NOTE: We had some, at the time, unexplained interference on our mics. Due to this there is some background hum and near the end a bit of echo. It wasn’t until he was in post that Spider figured out it was the cheap set of speakers Woot had sent him for a Bag of Crap that was sending signals to the mics. It isn’t too annoying and nothing one can’t get over but if you hear it that is why.

People:

Spider (Twitter)

Andrea (Twitter)

Mitch Surprenant (Twitter) (Voiceover guy)

Links:

Fox News Slams DC COMICS for Selling Sex and Violence to Children (FoxDC via ComicBookMovie.com)

Stacey Campfield, Tennessee Senator Behind ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill, On Bullying, AIDS And Homosexual ‘Glorification’ (Huffington Post)

Iowa joins national effort to curb use of word ‘retarded’ (USA Today)

The Life.com photo album of “Almost Cast” and “Worst Casting Choices” has been pulled from the site so we cannot link to it.

Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAIQWzW1MIc

Real quick and simple questions below; no personal information needed. Just click whichever you agree with and tweet to share.

If you have comments or suggestions for our podcast feel free to leave them below or hit the Contact link in the top menu. We WANT to hear from you.

I have successfully created a Cheesecurdburger and it is awesome. I am going to let you all know how to do it RIGHT NOW.

Things you will need:

• Deep fryer
• Hamburger
• Bacon
• Onions
• Jalapeños (deli style work great)
• Thousand Island Dressing
• Sesame seed burger buns
• Cheddar Cheese Curds
• Milk, flour, baking powder and salt
• Potatoes

This process will go by rather quickly as I am going to omit how to make a lot of this stuff; if you don’t know how to make a burger just go watch porn or something.

Prep your stuff; cut your onions for rings, cut your fries for frying, mold your burgers for burger and ready your bacon for baconing. Turn your deep fryer on to the setting you like.

The batter for a great cheese curd is as follows:

• 1/2 cup flour
• 2/3 cup milk
• 3/4 tsp baking powder
• 1/4 tsp salt

(Don’t omit the salt if you want that State Fair taste for your cheese curds.)

Mix those together and dump your curds in, coating them completely. Fry those babies until golden. Once done fry your fries.

Next drop some olive oil in a medium hot pan and cook up your onions rings. We prefer ours a little blackened for flavor.

Bacon your bacon. We like ours between chewy and crisp; enough to know we bit into it but chewy enough to savor.

Toss your burgers in a pan or on a grill and cook until done.

Nothing else and no other spices are needed.

Now comes the fun of putting this thing together. Here is how I stack this thing:

Put a good amount of thousand island dressing on both sides of your bun. Just enough to cover and leave a thin layer above the absorption of the bread. Next put some of your onions on the bottom bun, followed by two strips of bacon. Get some of those sliced jalapeños and place them on top. Now add your cheese curds, making sure to crush them a bit to make them lay flat. Add your burger on top, place the top bun, and mash down to mold the whole thing together.

Put some fries on the plate.

You end up with this:

Doesn't it look pretty?

Cheese curdy goodness

And it tastes awesome. It is such a unique taste compared to a regular cheeseburger.

Next? Adding chili. Because why should I live to see 40?

*I’m sure someone somewhere has created something like this but I never heard about this kind of burger before in my life. You’d think coming from California to Oregon and settling in the Twin Cities along with visiting just about everywhere in-between I’d have hit this somewhere but I haven’t. So I am claiming inventor status until proven otherwise. If proven otherwise I reserve the right to claim “Dude who made it better” status because once you taste this thing you’ll wonder how you lived without eating one.

Find out the answers to these ponderables and more by listening to the marathon podcast!

According to the promo, and what I’ve read online in preview reviews, Handler wrote and produced this new show. She also stars in it. This is where I start getting confused.

The part of Handler is being played by Laura Prepon, “Hot Donna” from “That 70′s Show”. Handler herself plays Handler’s sister, who makes jokes at “Handler’s” expense with what are the best lines of the show (obviously). So she wrote herself the best lines on a show predicated on her own book based on her own life while playing her sister while talking/taking jabs to herself?

Yeah, Chelsea Handler masturbates too much and really needs to put the mirror down while doing it.

And Willie Nelson still sucks.

Joe Peacock

People:

Spider - Host (Twitter)

Joe Peacock - Guest (Twitter)

Greetings From Minnesota - Podcast Account (Twitter)

Places:

Joe Peacock (Web Site)

Art of Akira (Web Site)

Advertising:

Each new account that signs up through the link below helps the podcast grow. Helping the podcast grow means quality grows through purchase of new equipment, advertising for the show itself, and more. Be a good person and support our efforts to have this podcast become the destination for weird, strange comedy and interviews of regular people doing amazing things by clicking the link below, signing up for the 14-day trial, and getting your free audiobook.

A good portion of you know that near the end of October I had a massive hard drive crash. As such I just got back to putting my iTunes library together. I decided to take advantage of Apple’s “Purchased” section of the iTunes Store and re-download all of my previously purchased music, especially since there is no more DRM on ANY song from the itunes Store. Figured it would be worth it to get new 256kbps versions without DRM.

Boy was I wrong.

I now have 100+ songs with DRM, even ones that I paid to upgrade to iTunes Plus. As well there are some that just don’t make sense on whether they have DRM or not (nevermind that NONE of them should have DRM since Apple killed it in January 2009).

Bears are protecting this music

As you can see, Stephen Colbert’s “Another Christmas Song” is DRM-protected and 128kbps. Or is it…

All the bears have been shipped to circuses

Same exact song except the second one is 256kbps and DRM-free. All because it was from a different album and a different year. Yet if you look at the purchase date? Yep, same damned day, one minute apart.

It gets weirder. How about this:

Nice to meet you...

The last real GNR song done. Awesome cover too. Lovin’ the DRM-freeness of it, especially since when I bought it it had DRM.

...guess you figured out my name, eh?

Yup, same album and one track is DRM riddled while the other is DRM-free. This makes no sense. At all. Ever.

Now for the real boggle that puts seashells to shame.

The REAL Ray

Anybody who doesn’t like Ray Charles is dead to me. DEAD!

So, besides DRM, what’s my problem with this one?

Double-tap!

I paid for the damned upgrade! I have paid for this song twice now and Apple wants me to pay once more to upgrade yet again.

And no, I shouldn’t have to pay for iTunes Match to get these songs DRM-free. I have around half of the effected songs iTunes Plus upgraded as it is but they now have DRM again. I have songs I never Plused that are now DRM free.

As stated above I still don’t think any of these should have DRM at all as Apple told us, in 2009, that there is no more DRM on any song from the iTunes Store and yet, here I am, with a load of DRM. Some will accuse me of trying to get upgraded music for free to which I say, “I could just pirate it”. If I really wanted higher quality music for free I could steal it, but I am going through correct channels here.

Another issue? At least half of the songs I’ve purchased since the iTunes Store came into our lives are not on the “Purchased” list, so if I want those again I have to purchase them, again.

Apple: figure out your DRM crap. Is it truly gone or are you keeping backups of DRM riddled songs just for shits and giggles? I feel like I am in the middle of a bait and switch here.

We know some people will want to send gifts or cards but right now the best thing is funds to help pay for her memorial. Even as small as we are making it these things are still expensive.

Anyone wishing to donate to the fund can do so by clicking the PayPal donate button (if WordPress didn’t strip the HTML) and entering whatever amount they are comfortable with. You do NOT need a PayPal account to donate; PayPal allows anyone with a credit/debit card to donate.

Whether you donate or not we thank you and appreciate your support.

I’m not, by any means, the most prolific submitter on the site. There are more than enough people with far more greenlights than I have. I tend to go in waves and have droughts (which I am currently in, coincidentally) where I can’t get a greenlight for months. That is the secondary meaning of this post: to give me some inspiration. Plus it never hurts to look at old headlines and get one more laugh out of them.

Criteria to make this list:

1. I find it funny. It isn’t a bad thing to laugh at your own jokes, contrary to public opinion. If you can make yourself laugh then chances are other people will laugh with you whether they get the joke or not.
2. “Obscure” reference.  It’s said there is nothing obscure on Fark, and that generally is true, but there are times where you can sneak something generally unknown into a headline and get away with it.
3. Throwaways that were awesome. A lot of the time I submit a headline and think, “well, that was crap.” It is very rare for me to actually like a headline I submit when I submit it but there are times where that piece of crap I submitted grows and becomes hilarious after other Farkers add the context I was originally missing.

Now on with the headlines…

“Did I ever tell you my favorite color was blue…?”

I love making references to movies, television or books in my headlines. I love it even more when it takes a bit for someone to get them or they have to really know the source to understand. It gets the people who also know the reference to make *squee* sounds and introduces the source to new people.

My favorite movie is “In the Mouth of Madness” by John Carpenter. I love the Sutter Cane character being a rib between Carpenter and Stephen King. I have done a site search to prove that I am the only one who has ever gotten a Sutter Cane reference in a headline (at least by searching “Sutter Cane”) and I am proud of that.

“No, Your Honor, I don’t read Sutter Cane”
An Oregon man is accused of attacking ATMs with an axe, asking if they read Sutter Cane

Speaking of Stephen King; you have to really pay attention to get this one but when you do it makes it great.

Three girls killed by a train as they cross trestle bridge, will never get to see the body of Ray Brower

The other reference I am proud of getting into a headline is Phantom of the Paradise, a quirky musical film from the 70s. Awesome music, by the way.

Swan found decapitated in Massachusetts. Winslow will finally get to have Phoenix sing his music

A Piers Anthony reference? Better believe it.

AMD reveals their new APU chip which combines ATI graphics and AMD CPUs on one chip, and call it “Llano”. If installed backwards it will undo all civilization, but otherwise pretty cool

Then there are the obvious pop culture references that just make for a fun headline.

Katherine Schwarzenegger is writing a book, tentatively titled “Who is My Daddy, and What Does He Do”
Highlander: The Game has been canceled. There can’t even be one
Billboard names Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” as the number one song of the year. Cee-lo Green is heard to have muttered “fark you, and fark her too”
Man in Oregon gets drunk, goes into a storm drain, walks around for a few miles, ends up near a lady’s garden and needs rescue. Never did find One Eyed Willie
Doing what hundreds of robots could not, Fox terminates Sarah Connor

“I see a path open before you, a path of knowledge known before it has been learned.”

Sometimes you can see things coming from far away while other times you make a joke that ends up becoming real. I was dead serious when I submitted this one.

September 2008 - Chrysler unveils “secretly developed” electric cars. In other words, they are scared shiatless of going bankrupt
April 2009 - Chrysler files for Chapter 11 (Wikipedia)

“…he could go all the way!”

Sports. Not my favorite thing. Oh, sure, I’ve played and coached sports but I really just can’t get into watching them unless I am involved in some way. Just too boring to me. Doesn’t mean I can’t get a good sports headline every now and again.

Cowboys top Colts, Bears edge Lions, Gay Men everywhere get confused. The NFL Monday Morning round-up is here 
♫ And that’s how they became the Brady-Bundchen ♫

That second one actually got some good play. The Seattle Times Sideline Chatter, which continually links to Fark headlines they absolutely love, enjoyed it.

“Silly Willy holds a Lily”

Sometimes there is no other way to express a headline/article except to make it non-sensical.

Rig goes in a ditch and spills Jell-O pudding all over a road and the doo-wop diddly-do with the zip zop zoobity bop 
I would like a layover in Denver, a near miss in Miami, a meal in Minneapolis, and a cancellation in Toledo. Oh, and can I get my bags lost somewhere over North Dakota? Thanks 

“Politics are about as fun as being gang raped by a herd of rhinos and twice as messy.”

There is no easier way to start a fight on Fark than to submit a Politics Thread headline. No matter what you submit someone is going to have an issue with it. Thick skin is needed not just to submit a headline to that area but to even enter it. To this day I still think Fark should have an interstitial warning those with high blood pressure that they enter of their own free will.

I’ve submitted more than my fair share of politics headlines but two really stand out to me.

Palin: “I’m delighted to be in a state that puts a mama grizzly on its flag.” Public Educated Californian: “The bear is called Monarch, and he was a male”

I love that headline so much. The public educated Californian happens to be me. I wasn’t at the event or anything I just put my own commentary on the headline. It was redlighted.

Until other Farkers kept voting it up. It wasn’t until the next day (if I am remembering correctly) that the headline went green due to overwhelming love from other Farkers. The Power of Fark™ indeed.

George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” being released November 9th. Here you all thought it was going to be coloring book, but the sneaky bastard went all “connect the dots” on you

George W. Bush, depending upon which political party you are affiliated with, is either the greatest man since Reagan or the dumbest idiot to ever hold office. The latter became a meme on Fark and when it was announced he would be publishing a book about his two terms in office it took the stance that it would be a coloring book because that is all he could understand. I took it a step further, as you can see.

RFK Jr is getting a divorce from his wife. Phew, talk about dodging a bullet

An obvious headline but it still brings the giggles just because of how wrong it is.

“Musical Interlude”

The first headline in this section actually links to an article on this very site. Yep, I took the plunge and submitted one of my own articles and it ended up going green. Remember that thick skin from the Politics Tab? You better have toughened up even more before submitting your own stuff.

The second headline is one of my favorites because it tells the whole article story without having to click through. One of those out of the sky headlines that just happens one morning.

The third was my first TotalFark Discussion thread that went green. Still freaks me out when that happens.

Five songs to think twice about. This dude has some relationship issues (Not safe for work language)
♫ Now the man near her back is close to her crack as he raises his hand near her thigh, and the girl who is a crooner is everyone’s ruiner, as he grabs her ass and everyone gets mace in their eye ♫
Your lost or forgotten album loves; show them to us. LGT gem of an album

“The Internet is serious business.”

We all know the inherent dangers of the internet by now and if you don’t, get out of your cave and see the world.

FCC says average cable customer gets half of the advertised broadband speed they pay for. You probably submitted this hours ago and already got a greenlight, but Subby is on Comcast
Thanks to the internet every business is shortening their name. This link brought to you by DC’s fk.cm
Disney to stream their movies online, for free. Then take them away, lock them in a vault for ten years, and charge you $30-50 for a special edition DVD

“The Geek shall inherit the Earth”

The difference between geeks and nerds? Geeks can get laid.

I know people will be wondering why the Jay Leno one is here instead of in an entertainment section. Conan O’Brien has become something of a geek cause since the whole NBC debacle so it seemed only right that a headline during the whole internet explosion of that was placed in the geek area. (Definitely TeamCoco here. I even got the NewsFlash headline for Conan’s statement.)

Jay Leno: “Faisal Shahzad was arrested for the Times Square SUV bomb. We found his Facebook page. Seems he is part of Team Coco. This guy really likes bombs. heeHEE”
I control the spices, I control the universe

“The Penis. Mightier than the ‘S’ word.”

Wordplay is a staple of Fark headlines. If you can’t make a good wordplay you are going to get significantly less greenlights.

Going out of business sales are going out of business. Hurry before the sale ends
Tour bus crashes south of Phoenix. The dead are expected to rise within the day
Thinking of ending it all with a dive from the Golden Gate bridge? Well, now there’s a catch
Dozens missing in Egypt ferry accident, family members are in De Nile

“Randomness is better than insanity. Insanity only makes you crazy.”

To close out this post I thought I would offer two of my greenlights that, in my biased opinion, show what Fark is all about.

Bad Day: You get your Pepsi truck stuck under a bridge. Insult to Injury: Coca-Cola truck mockingly passes by overhead
Small Town Slow News Day: Man gets into argument, climbs tree, won’t come down

I haven’t always been a Sony customer. I admit that outright and upfront. Yet there was a time, not too long ago, that your company did convert me into being a lifelong customer.

(Before I tell this tale I want to warn you that this might be a bit long. I want to express the full range of what has happened during my time of being a Sony customer so that you, and any other person you wish to share this with, can see why I am at the point I am.)

I was a Nintendo kid; raised on NES and SNES but let down with the N64. Sure, it was fun enough, but I saw my friends having more fun with more mature software on their Playstations than I was having with the fiftieth time around Mario 64. I resolved to change that with the next iteration of game consoles.

Therefore I had purchased a launch PS2 system, one of the “Fat” ones, straight from Sony’s website. I was sitting at work during the holiday shortage that had happened from that system’s launch and on a whim checked Sony’s website. There was one in stock.

One.

I ran down the street to the bank, dumped some money into my account, raced back and placed my order. (I’m sure you remember how hectic customers were during that time.) I snagged it. I was happy and anticipated the system so  greatly I spent the next week ordering Playstation and PS2 software; games I had missed and games I pledged would never be forgotten. The console arrived and I was immersed in a world unlike any other. I was, to say the least, pleased.

Fast forward five years and I have the first ever (and only) issue with the PS2. That thing had been a champ through various moves and events in my life, brought me joy when there was only darkness, but now it was sick. It had started digging circles into the inner diameter of my software discs. I cobbled together some funds and called Sony’s tech support, full expecting to pay to get this faithful system fixed. I talked to a great service rep who listened to the problem and then stated, “That isn’t right. It shouldn’t be doing that. Here’s what we’re going to do…”

The service rep proceeded to tell me to send in my PS2 and all the games it had ruined; Sony would repair the PS2, attach a new repair warranty, send me a check for the current MSRP of the games I sent in and it would all be at no cost to me. For a five year old system that was severely out of warranty. That was Apple Inc. quality customer service and I had never had that level from any other company but Apple. That won a customer for life.

With the fires of love for the company and brand still raging within my heart and mind I purchased an 80GB PS3, one of the last ones sold with PS2 backwards compatibility. I had an extensive PS2 game library and wanted to continue playing them without the need for the PS2 as I had sold that system to finance the $600 PS3. To say I was blown away would be an understatement. To this day I still play each game I have owned on the PS3 format including Heavenly Sword and Folklore, the two games I bought with the PS3.

Then terror struck. Just shortly after the warranty expired the optical drive started failing. Having just moved 1900 miles across the country I didn’t have the funds to replace it so I made do. Eventually it got to be too poor and I sent the PS3 in for service, costing approximately $165 for repair.

I received the repaired system but it would not be for long as within the first month that system was brought down by the dreaded Yellow Light of Death, as it has been coined. Again I sent off the system for repair but this time I was sent a replacement system. As much as I hated parting with so much game save data I moved passed it and gamed on.

This system had issues too but nothing I couldn’t completely overcome myself, especially with the fact that they popped up outside the 90-day warranty, which pushed me to figure them out. These were mainly firmware issues where it got to a point that I dreaded a new firmware coming out. It was no longer as simple as downloading and installing the firmware from the PS3 itself but I had to download it on my computer to a USB drive, boot the PS3 into the tech boot screen and apply the firmware that way. Even then I had to apply the firmware two to three times before any issues were removed (and a few HDD formats were performed as well when the the new firmware just wouldn’t take). Issues ranging from Blu-rays not reading correctly to not at all to games no longer booting to erased data all occurred with this system and its resistance to new firmware. Sometimes the Netflix app wouldn’t even start and for a long time I wasn’t able to download any video content from the online store due to a firmware revision.

Even with all of that I was still a converted customer. I was still happy with the PS3 which had become the center of my entertainment universe. Then September of this year came.

Within the first week of September I had booted the PS3 to copy over a file from my file server to watch. Upon boot I noticed that the PS3 didn’t display all folders I had shared from my file server, another annoying bug that had a simple workaround: reboot the PS3. I shut the unit down in the proper way and turned it back on. Lights, fan… power down.

I tried it again. Lights, fan… power down.

I scoured the internet to see what was happening. I found on Sony’s support website that the blinking lights indicated the unit was overheated. “That’s odd,” I thought, “I had just powered it on for the first time all weekend.” I cleaned the unit as much as possible then let it sit for a few days and tried it again. Lights, fan… power down. The signal was clear this time: service. Again. $134 more gone.

I shipped the unit off, of which I had become a pro at by this point, and waited. I received another replacement unit. This time I had PS Plus so I wasn’t worried about game saves, except for my wife’s, as PS Plus doesn’t trickle down to sub-accounts for some reason.

I copied some game saves from the online storage, re-synced my trophies, and downloaded Resident Evil 4 HD. I played the game for a few hours before deciding to watch “Thor” on Blu-ray. Hadn’t seen it yet and we received it from Netflix right after sending the last unit in for repair.

I popped the disc in, it started loading, it got to the menu and… the PS3 shut off. Completely. I tried again, same thing. I ejected the disc and tried “Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop” on Blu-ray with the same result. I decided upon a different tactic and popped in “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” on DVD. That disc didn’t get past the FBI Copyright Infringement Warning before shutting the PS3 down.

Service. Again.

I called Sony’s support line and talked to a wonderful individual. She was bright, smart, bantered back and forth quite well and almost stifled a giggle at my name. I told her the situation and she went right into the same stuff the PS2 service rep had said. I got that warm feeling back thinking that once again, after all these letdowns, Sony was going to make this right. Sony was going to come through on customer service one more time and cement my “Customer For Life” status.

And she did it. After setting up the service and letting me know that since the service center in Texas had not done proper quality control there would be an investigation. She then offered to do a trade-in for a 120GB PS3 Slim system instead of my receiving another 80GB “Fat” PS3 in return. After asking why no one had mentioned this before and a bit more chatter I agreed to it. It was stated and/or implied that this was being done because of all the issues I have had and the fact that the Texas service center had not done their job correctly. She also stated that these 80GB units were prone to failure as they (“they” being Sony) had been receiving a large amount sent in for repair, especially compared to the 120GB Slim units. I sent the unit off again and waited.

Today, October 10th 2011, I received the replacement PS3. I opened the box and… SURPRISE! An 80GB “Fat” PS3 replacement unit.

I called Sony’s support line again as this was not what I was promised. I talked to a service rep (who was very short in demeanor and had no empathy evident in her voice) and was told that the trade-in didn’t happen because my unit wasn’t eligible. I asked why I hadn’t been told this when it was originally set up or why it was set up in the first place if that were true. I reiterated the conversation with the previous service rep to this new one but was told that is how it is. I asked, politely, to speak to a supervisor or someone with the power to make the decision or reverse this new decision. I was put on hold and a supervisor came on.

The supervisor had the same demeanor as the service rep (which didn’t help things along). I stated my case; that as a representative of Sony the service rep who set up the trade-in had made a promise for the company itself and that I had been, essentially, lied to by Sony. I give credit to the supervisor for agreeing but there was no budging on the hard line that “too bad so sad” was the company motto in cases like this. Eventually the supervisor offered to send one SCEA software title for compensation but only after I had asked for a refund of the service fee. I had also offered to take an extended warranty on this replacement unit because I know we are going to be back here again in less than a year but outside of the 90-day service warranty. This isn’t a leap of logic, fantasy or hyperbole; with the data above showing that these units have a high fail rate this one, too, shall fail within a year.

This leaves me at a precipice. In all of these issues there was one bright light of customer support and customer retention but it was yanked away with a cold hand, swatting me down as if I were a child. I was lied to. I was lied to and was cost money that wasn’t necessary. Throughout this time (one month for this latest problem) I have continued to keep service from Netflix ($30/mo for streaming, DVD and Blu-ray) and GameFly ($25/mo) which rely upon the PS3 for usage. I can’t get that month of service, or service fees, back. They’re gone and paid for.

Before I close this too long of a letter I would like to make a few recommendations to better your service side. I don’t want to speak out of turn as I am quite confident you know how to run Sony efficiently but I have worked in the service and repair industry for a long period of my life and while they can be tossed aside if wished, I would like to think perhaps these words have a bit of weight to them.

1. Be happy. In my many dealings with angered, enraged and downright asinine customers I have found that continually being nice to them has not only a calming effect but in the end, after all the conversation is done, the customer will still have respect for you and the brand you represent. And make no mistake about it that each service rep IS the brand. They are the first and most likely last point of contact between a company and their customers. Teaching and training service reps (and all employees) to “be happy” to customers will increase your customer service satisfaction survey points each time.

2. I find it hard to believe that a multi-national corporation such as Sony has no system set up or attached to the service centers to send an email to a customer when their repair is done. Something as simple as an email stating “repair done, here is your tracking number” should be able to be accomplished at the same moment the shipping department prints the label for the return shipment. If no such system is in place I would look into investing in one. It keeps the lines of communication open to the customer and adds that little extra piece of caring.

3. A policy stating that if something changes from the moment a unit is sent in for service to the moment it is being sent back that the customer gets a phone call so that they can agree to it. (This would have gone a long way to avoid this whole situation.)

It comes to you, or whomever you appoint, to decide whether keeping one customer is worth it. One customer who has stuck with Sony through all these issues, paid approximately $900 for a PS3 unit, and ended up getting some of the worst customer service a person has had in their life, which has completely turned my opinion of the company around from what had been accomplished beforehand. I can no longer count myself as a life long Sony customer after this debacle.

It isn’t that I didn’t get a 120GB Slim for “free” or a refund of my service fee(s) but the fact that I was lied to about what I was to receive and then told in no uncertain terms to “deal with it”. That it didn’t matter what I was promised or thought, that I was just to accept what was done and move on.

I’m not the type of person to try to get something for free; I’ve worked hard for everything I have in life and everything I’ve lost. I’m not a litigious person either as I find those methods just cause more problems than they fix. I like to think that two people can talk things out and come to a resolution that makes both parties happy.

I leave it to you. You are the last people on the chain that can salvage anything out of this situation.

I await your response.

Spider N. Mann

“Yes, that is my real name”

spidermann@gmail.com

People:

Spider (Twitter)

Andrea (Twitter)

Mitch Surprenant (Twitter) <– he does announcer voice

MinnesotaGreets (Twitter)

Call Spidey (Our Tumblr with show extras and previews of voicemails)

Links:

We didn’t collate links for this episode.

a) a bitch

b) a super bitch

c) a cunt

d) an über-cunt

e) any of the above plus any others I haven’t written out

In my life I’ve had to deal with people, both in person and on the phone, who have ranged the gamut of emotions and stances. The inevitable emergency call in the wee hours of the morning with the other end panicking, the drunken friend call asking to bail him out, and the breakup call from the girlfriend turning ex. That’s all personal life stuff.

In business I’ve dealt with everyone from the asshole/bitch, the so-sweet-you-get-diabetes-through-the-phone-old lady to the “so spaced you’re wondering what the long distance charges from Jupiter are costing” person.

And I’ve done it all with a smile.

Sure, a lot of the time I was seething on the inside and wanting to kick every cute puppy that crossed my path while I was on those calls but I never let the client know. Far as they knew I was smiling, willing to help, and doing everything I could to make them happy.

Why did I do that? Because at that exact moment I was the face of the company I worked for. I was the one who would help them decide whether they would continue being a customer with said company. If I failed, the company lost a customer and in this land of non-fairness we call life I would receive all the blame.

Just a few minutes ago I had to deal with one of the rudest, most condescending billing department reps from HealthPartners I’ve ever had to deal with. She was rude, wouldn’t let me finish a sentence or explain an issue, and made snide remarks when questions were asked. Example:

Me: “You take VISA?”

Her: “Yes.”

Me: “Got it. Which part do you want first?”

Her: “I need the number to be able to run anything.”

Emphasis is to show how she said the words. On the surface my question seems dumb, admittedly, but when you’ve done billing yourself you realize my question is smart because there is a plethora of billing software out there. Some software requires just the card number and the expiration date while others require that along with zip code, security code, full address, and name on card. Many others require a varied combination of the two.

Could I have worded the question better? Sure, can’t deny that, but when you just spent 20 minutes not being able to get a question or statement out of your mouth because the bitch on the otherside can’t stop talking over you while she reiterates the same thing for the umpteenth time (of which we already agreed was understood) you learn right quick to make your statements short.

To all people in the billing or collections division of a company, big or small, a piece of advice from someone who has done your job: be nice. Even when you don’t want to be, be nice. Your calls will go better, issues will be resolved faster, and by listening to the concerns of the people calling you will be able to address them easier.

Do not talk over them, force your “correctness” of the situation on them, hear them out, and do not make snide remarks. That just takes a bad situation and makes it worse.

And yes, Billing and Collections is the Bad Situation Department, don’t kid yourselves.

People:

Spider (Twitter)

Andrea (Twitter)

MinnesotaGreets (Twitter)

Call Spidey (Our Tumblr with show extras and previews of voicemails)

Links:

Fox News Audience Spews Racial Slurs At Morgan Freeman (Little Green Footballs)

Morgan Freeman: Tea Party Is Racist (Fox Nation)

Scientists Read Minds (Sort of), Reconstruct Images From Brain Scans (PCWorld)

Was Einstein Wrong? A Faster-Than-Light Neutrino Could Be Saying Yes (Time)

People:

Spider (Twitter)

Michael Kaufman (Twitter)

Greetings From Minnesota (Twitter)

Links:

Michael Kaufman on Redux

NOTE:

I (Spider) had some serious issues fixing sound on this episode. I had decided to record in full AIFF format for the first time and boy was that a mistake. My near 10 year old computer can’t handle that file size within SoundtrackPro and took me almost a week to get this episode up because I decided to just say “fuck it”. Content is king on this one. All apologies to the ears that may possibly be hurt if all pops and clipped signals aren’t removed.

Idea #1: Change USPS into United States Package Service

When you look at companies like FedEx and UPS you see one thing: revenue. These two companies have made a business out of getting your packages from place to place quickly and efficiently at a low cost. Despite my own issues with the two companies, UPS in particular, they are good at what they do.

Yet so is the USPS when they deliver packages. I’ve sent out hundreds of thousands of packages with the USPS for one and a half decades and only ever had a few incidents, most of them ending up being cool or funny anecdotes for later in life. With their Priority Mail initiative, where if a package fits in their boxes and weighs 70lbs or less it ships for a flat rate, it’s a wonder that they aren’t seeing more business from the FedEx/UPS shippers.

By changing focus to packages the USPS can lower their monthly cost of sorting and delivery and by extension labor without having to fire thousands of people. They could retcon a few of those local post offices they are closing to be package receiving/pick-up only destinations and distribution houses.

The lowered cost of sorting would come from efficiency in the sorting process. If you have packages being routed through a few major hubs to smaller hubs and destination houses then that load is handled while regular mail is sorted in other dedicated hubs. At the end of the day you would end up with two deliveries: packages and mail.

“But,” you say, “doesn’t that RAISE costs?” For the short term it would, most definitely, but negligibly. The mail route for letters would be down by a quarter in time and the package only route would take that other quarter. The only cost raising would be in fuel consumption and package delivery vehicles. The first happens daily as it is and the second is a one time large expense and a yearly maintenance cost of business.

With the amount of email and texting that happens in a day, as well as other forms of internet communication, the USPS splitting into two divisions would be a boon for the future. They wouldn’t completely do away with letter carrying as there are those who don’t have or don’t use computers or cellphones and there is also a huge business component that relies upon standard mail (Netflix, GameFly, etc.) that would need to be catered to for the time being. It doesn’t mean they can’t slowly phase out, over a 15-20 year period, the residential mail service.

Idea #2: Phase out residential letter/mail service

Residential mail is a dying breed. I’ve long said the only junk mail I need is in a folder on my computer and has no place in a box downstairs. Bad for the environment and the majority of people toss it without a second thought straight into a trash can, missing the recycle bin right next to it. Add in Netflix moving more and more to a streaming service, along with game companies like Sony and Microsoft doing the same, and there is very little incentive to keep residential mail around.

But there are bills, right? Most large companies offer online billing and payment. Many small businesses that offer services are moving that way as well. Grocers and supermarkets are moving towards paperless coupons that can be scanned from your smartphone. The absolute need for residential mail from businesses is gone.

“What about written letters?” When is the last time you received an actual letter, handwritten by someone? You’re more likely to get a print out from Kinko’s from a long lost love than a handwritten one. And this goes back to my point of internet based communication. Facebook, Twitter, email, IM, and all of those are more likely to be your means of communication than a letter.

Even court summons and serving papers is moving into the internet realm. Courts are now allowing people to serve notice as comments on Facebook and Twitter or via email.

I’ll reiterate once more for the thickheaded: RESIDENTIAL MAIL IS DEAD.

Idea #3: Priority or Express for Documents

Yeah, this is already done, but I am talking about taking it further.

With the phasing out of residential mail there will still be a need for some paper mail from places like Social Security (until it, too, is dead), the IRS, and possibly the court summons mentioned above because as much as it is being allowed in the internet realm I doubt a paper service will ever completely disappear for stuff like that.

This is why Priority or Express document mail was made; for documents that need to be received in a certain amount of time with the utmost care. With court documents such as serving papers you should ALWAYS send it Certified Mail so you have a date and time of service and you have the perfect fix, a speedy delivery system coupled with certification.

This will also end all the “I never received my Social Security/IRS refund check” scams that people pull. Wouldn’t it be nice to know that after processing and verification you can get your paper check within three days with the extra security of a postman/woman having to deliver it to you by obtaining a signature?

“But the cost!” What? You think that high volume businesses and government entities don’t get special rates? They do. Hell, you can start a mail order business right now and apply for special rates if your mailing/shipping goes above a certain amount a month. Plus, extra special service is worth a .002% rate increase for something you depend upon.

Final Word

Before anyone gets it into their head: I am not advocating the death of mail today or tomorrow. As stated above I would give it a 15-20 year phase out period (which is still too long in my opinion). That gives time for many lagging companies to get into the internet space needed, to have companies build infrastructure they can use, to perform the services they do now.

Even government entities like the IRS are seeing a surge in people e-filing and receiving direct deposit of any refunds or direct collection of taxes owed. Social Security is seeing more people accept their monthly checks via direct deposit. Unemployment has a rise in online weekly reports as well as, you guessed it, direct deposit.

You can renew your license or tags for your car online as well as paying any fines to the DMV or courts.

Everything is moving to paperless and/or internet communication and commerce and the remnants of last century need to catch up or be left behind. The USPS is one of those remnants. There will always be a need for a package delivery service but the need for paper billing and junk mail is over with.

People:

Spider (Twitter)

Andrea (Twitter)

Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiof0_2g1FY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k8nCcsjnVk

Image:

2011 Minnesota State Fair Gallery (Flickr)

Music:

Affair of the Heart by Rick Springfield (iTunes)

Links:

Glenn Beck: Term ‘Colored’ Is ‘Not A Bad Thing,’ ‘African American’ Is ‘Ridiculously Stupid’ (Huffington Post via Fark)

Red State (Cooper’s Dell)

The reasons are varied so I will just put them out there.

1. Time

Last Saturday the in-laws were having a get together. We attend these like clockwork. We love spending time with the in-laws. Wish I had a mobile recording station as those would be awesome podcasts.

These tend to last all night so we usually don’t get home until around 1am.

2. Tired

Unfortunately I work a night shift and Andrea works a day shift. This makes Friday night really harsh on me when the in-law gatherings happen. I get home just before 1am and spend a few hours to wind down. I then get around 4-5 hours of sleep, wake up, usually make something to bring, then we go out. Nothing gets done on those Saturdays.

The first Saturday wasn’t going to happen because I was sick. I had contracted a vicious case of food poisoning of which I am still feeling the effects of. It has waxed and waned since then but I am getting better.

3. The Week

With the night shift I don’t get much sleep. I’m an insomniac night owl as it is but the schedule we keep is grinding. I wake up before 2pm, get to work before 4pm, get home around 1am, take the wife to work in time for 7am, fall asleep somewhere around 9am.

That gives me, on average, five hours of sleep a day. Add on other projects (paying ones) that I need to get done during the 1am to 7am hour and I have no time during the week. Andrea and I see each other for one hour a day during the week.

4. A Day of Rest

So we spend Sundays with each other. When not going to the in-laws on Saturdays I tend to use that day to try to get ahead of the other projects as well as podcast. When an other project deadline is coming I need to take care of that before I can take care of the podcasting.

As well Sunday is the only day Andrea and I get to truly spend time with one another and we chose to let everything else fall away. We need that time together.

5. Changes

Changes are coming. This is my last week on the night shift, which is also my last week of work until I pick up another job which hopefully is a day shift. This means that until I get a day shift job I will be podcasting during the week.

This also solves some scheduling problems I’ve had with certain people I’ve wanted to have on as guests. They are only available during the weekdays while I’ve only been available during Saturday.

This also gives me time to actually clean this office and the condo enough to be presentable and finally get the father-in-law in here to do his podcast.

6. Messages

I’ve started (as anyone who follows my Twitter account knows) collecting voicemails through Skype. I am dedicated to this project and want to see it through to fulfillment. I’ve long enjoyed voicemails as a jumping off point for conversation and figured that Skype is the perfect way to do it in this global culture.

As of this coming Friday we will have an actual phone number for people to call and leave messages. No more need to open Skype and deal with adding me as a contact and all that wonderful stuff. Now you’ll be able to dial us directly, using that unlimited US long distance, and leave a message.

I want the messages very badly. I want them to spark conversation. As much fun as I have with the other podcasts we do I enjoy talking to normal people, finding out about them and the things they do and enjoy. Viv Gomez (podcast #4) and Ben Tallen (podcast #5) were awesome guests and I love those episodes. We just talked about what was important to them and learned stuff.

7. Final Word

There is your explanation, for good or ill. We strive to be weekly but sometimes that just doesn’t happen. Things are looking up for the podcast though so stay tuned, keep sharing, don’t forget to rate and review on iTunes, and we will see you in the stream.

(Actually, it doesn’t matter if you’re a listener or not… know what? Just read on.)

We want you to Skype us and leave a message. Any message you want. Good, bad, turn on your phone sex voice, tell us to burn in hell, it doesn’t matter. WE WANT YOUR VOICE!

Legality is that we can use your voice/mail in any way we see fit. Praise us? We might use it as an ad for our podcast. Hate us? We might use it as an ad for our podcast. Got a kinky story to share? A confession of guilt or innocence? Just want to get something off your chest (or on it)? We want it all and the possibilities are endless.

So go on and Skype us. Leave that message. Let us hear you tell us stuff. Our Skype is “spidersparlor” without the quotation marks. Tell your friends and family, spread it on Facebook, Twitter, 4chan, Fark, where ever you wish to spread it just make sure to spread it.

spidersparlor

or you can click below:

Does it say I’m offline? IT DOESN’T MATTER! You can still call and leave a message.

Got it? Good. Now fire up that Skype app and start leaving messages. Unless it is REALLY stupid we will respond to it in an episode of the Greetings From Minnesota podcast. We might even Skype you back if you sound interesting enough.

Why are you still reading? DO IT ALREADY!

Isn’t he a dashing fellow?

Ben Tallen aka @ragingthespian

People:

Spider - Host (Twitter)

Andrea - Host (Twitter)

Ben Tallen - Guest (Twitter)

Greetings From Minnesota - Podcast Account (Twitter)

Places:

Tempests at Minnesota Fringe Festival

Tempests Trailer Direct Link (YouTube)

Tempests Capsule Review (StarTribune)

Ten things to know about the 2011 MN Fringe Festival (MPR – Minnesota Public Radio)

Fringe Festival 2011: A preview of your best bets (City Pages)

Tedious Brief (Web Site)

Tedious Brief (Facebook)

Ben Tallen’s Edina Liquors Commercials:

Pool Party (YouTube)

Holiday Gift Cards (YouTube)

Impress Your Guests (YouTube)

Impress Your Guests – Football (YouTube)

Advertising:

Each new account that signs up through the link below helps the podcast grow. Helping the podcast grow means quality grows through purchase of new equipment, advertising for the show itself, and more. Be a good person and support our efforts to have this podcast become the destination for weird, strange comedy and interviews of regular people doing amazing things by clicking the link below, signing up for the 14-day trial, and getting your free audiobook.

We have statistics for certain things: how many downloads from both iTunes and this website. What we don’t know is how many people stream from iTunes, how many people are subscribed through iTunes, or how many just grab from this website.

So take a minute, click your answer, and give us an idea of what’s going on. It will only make things better in the future.

Links for this episode:

Viv Gomez on Twitter and her blog “Training Humans to Be Responsible Pet Owners”

ReboundHounds Res-Q

URGENT Part 2 – Cute animals that need emergency adoptions (Facebook)

Louie – The 10-month old pup that was put down with a rescue on the way

During the middle of recording this podcast we finally licked the Skype issue so no longer will we have disjointed conversations. There is one transition point (knife throw sound effect) but no others.

We also discuss fetishes this time around. We reveal some of ours as well as delve into the deepest, oddest parts of the internet to bring you ones you may never have heard of before.

Now, there is a long discussion about an image that Andrea showed to us. It comes around the 30-35 minute mark in the podcast. I would wait until the moment that she says she tweeted it then click this link. It will give you the full effect of the podcast if you wait for that moment.

WARNING: This episode contains some stuff that is not for sensitive viewers. There is discussion of certain fetishes that are, to be frank, quite disgusting.

People in this episode:

Spider (Twitter)

Andrea (Twitter)

Metal Mistress (Twitter)

With that we have changed our site to reflect with the removal of streaming. We stated we would do this to help save on bandwidth and appreciate all who understand.

If you want to go to iTunes and subscribe, rate, and review we would appreciate it.

Here is the promised “part 2″ of the podcast.

As explained last time (and within the podcast itself) technical difficulties have changed this from an awesome discussion into an unorthodox interview that is still awesome.

I did make a mistake on Metal Mistress’ new Twitter name within the podcast itself so ignore that and hit the link below. The link below is the correct Twitter account.

People:

Metal Mistress on Twitter and her Blog

We had some Jade Flowers, some Dinosaurs, even a Purple Rain firework of which I am sure Prince will be suing someone for soon enough.

Imagine our elation, surprise, and the ensuing guffaws when we pulled the following firework out of the package:

R. Kelly wants to rain down on you

Yes, that really says “Golden Shower Fountain”. Someone, somewhere, is having a huge laugh.

This one just came to me as I was listening to Harry Chapin’s I Miss America.

In the song he laments the canned laughter of the sitcom and how each night the parents end up in separate beds (realize the time period the song came out people).

Therefore I’ve thought up of a storyline for a sitcom. Usual sitcom that gets brought back each year and is popular. Father, mother, and children going through the usual sitcom motions of solving a problem within 30 minutes. Each episode ends with a shot of the parents getting into bed (one bed these days). They talk a bit and turn out the lights; end episode.

Fast forward to the middle of the second season and Dad has a health issue that requires him to take two pills each night before bed. The end scene now has a slight change of Dad taking his two pills as him and Mom get into bed. Lights out; end episode.

Fast forward again to the third season. For the last half of the second season Dad has been taking his pills just fine and continues to do so throughout the first 1/4 of the third season. A huge “OMG” episode arc (you know… Urkel on drugs, DJ Tanner becoming a hooker… shit like that) where one of the children loses a leg or something after being crushed by a building. (Just insert your story arc there, as long as it is crushing to the family.)

From this point on at the end bedroom scene Dad takes only one pill instead of two. Nothing is said by Dad, Mom or anyone else. It is done as if it was normal. Throughout the season (until the section below) Dad is a bit more irritable but it is played off as being pissed at the health insurance company and the plight of his now deformed/maimed child.

Fast forward to the latter 1/4 of the third season and Dad is now taking zero pills. The end scene plays just like it did in the first season.

Last episode of season three: the lights go out just like normal. Credits roll. After a minute credits stop, light comes back on, and Mom is trying to wake up Dad. Dad won’t wake up. Mom calls 911. Fade to black with Mom crying as she desperately tries to wake Dad.

How fucked up would that be to do in a tv show? I actually think, if done just right, it would be very, very effective and be buzzed about until the next season comes.

Add in that the mics we got are mono mics, something that was not told in the specs or even on the manufacturer’s website, and we have had to do some software fun to get faux stereo. We had bought some convertors from Radio Shack but they didn’t work at all as they just killed any sound from the mics.

Hang in there past the first five to ten minutes. I hadn’t set the input volume correctly so it is a bit low. It gets adjusted after that point and is much better throughout the rest.

All in all a trying time but we got through it and did pretty good for a first podcast.

With every podcast we will be posting links to products we talk about, people we talk to, and news stories we discuss.

NOTE: Metal Mistress’ portion of the podcast is still in editing. (Hey, I do have other things to do, too!) It will be posted on Monday as a “Part 2″.

Products:

Petmate 22501 LitterLocker Plus with Microban, White/Planet Blue

People:

Metal Mistress on Twitter and her Blog

Stories:

Robert Sayegh, Delta Passenger, Kicked Off Plane For Using F-Word (AOL Travel)

Comcast, Skype to bring HD video calling to your TV (MacWorld)

Copyright Crackdown Threatens YouTube Lip-Syncing (FOX Charlotte via Fark.com)

Bankruptcy Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Ban (New York Post)

Budget cuts close 6 Planned Parenthood clinics in Minnesota (StarTribune)

Wedding plans bloom as NY legalizes gay marriage (AP via Oneida Daily Dispatch)

Brady Bunch mom got crabs in affair with NY mayor (Reuters)

Music:

This Song from “The Public Domain EP”  by Hussalonia (archive.org)

I picked one that was “eco friendly packaging”, made from “100% recycled plastic”. Plus, it only cost me $5.

Everything is as it should be.

As I was cleaning some items off my desk this morning I grabbed the package for said jock strap to toss it in the trash and happened to take a quick look at the back, where all the manufacturing information is stored.

Everything still seems fine.

At first and second glance everything seems copacetic. Hell, it even purports to help prevent bacteria and odor (the latter is not so true after a week of 24/7 use).

It isn’t until you check out the words under “GREAT FOR THESE SPORTS!” that you see the WTF:

Those poor children

The jock strap was made in one of four places. No idea which one it was made in, as evidenced by the “or” thrown in there. So was my jock strap mass produced on a machine or was it made by the hands of child workers? Drug addled mothers? Cornholio? WHICH ONE IS IT?

I’ll never know.

Any reader of stuff posted here or on my Twitter page knows this was coming for a long time. I’ve known I wanted a vasectomy since I was a teenager but never had the money or health insurance to get it done. Now I do and I did. The following are my experiences of the procedure and the following days.

The Home Edition is a lot less fun

Consultation:

The consultation was pretty straight forward. You go in, the nurse takes your vitals and ask the usual questions of allergies, drugs (legal and not) taken, etc. The urologist comes in, makes sure you know what is going to happen, makes sure your spouse knows it is going to happen, and says “see you next time.” In all it takes maybe 30 minutes out of your life from the moment you get into the building to the moment you are back in your car.

Pain level: none.

The Week Before:

The week before the surgery you are given a few things to do. You stop taking any aspirin or painkillers completely (dependent upon doctor’s orders for NEEDED medication). You also have to buy a jock strap (cupless) and some loose fitting clothing. Sweatpants work wonders for this.

Also make sure to set up a ride home. You won’t be driving.

Pain level: none.

The Day Of and The Surgery Itself:

The day of the surgery you go about your normal day. Get to your appointment 30 minutes early just because doctors really want you to read those month old magazines, or in my case to go in early. HealthPartners, if anything, has highly efficient staff.

Make sure you bring the aforementioned jock strap and loose fitting clothing as you are going to need them.

Pain level so far: none.

Once you are brought back you will be taken to a room. In my case (in every case I’ve had surgery of any kind or a doctor’s visit about my nuts) you will get the hottest staffer on duty that day. Seriously, that chick was so fucking hot.

The doctor loves to tell men “getting an erection is normal, don’t worry about it.” Well, Doc, when you bring the hottest chick you got in to ogle my junk, I’m going to get harder than a calculus formula recited in Klingon. And I did. And she smiled.

Aside from being MY new cock admirer, the girl will tell YOU what is going to happen and answer any remaining questions you may have. Then she’ll leave to get the doctor while you strip naked below the waist, get on the table, and pull the blanket over yourself.

The Doc comes back in with the girl, makes small chitchat, then proceeds to numb your nuts. If you’ve never had your nuts numbed before, or even if you have, this procedure is a bit different. This isn’t just numbing your scrotum, but your actual testes. Yes, the doctor is going to stick a needle in each of your testes.

The sensation is akin to a chick sucking on one of your nuts, or accidentally sitting on them but getting back up before a full squash can take place. You feel it, there is a slight tinge, but nothing a person can’t handle.

Pain level so far: a slight tinge.

The Doc will proceed to fondle you for a bit, making sure you are getting numb, applying more numbness if needed. The girl is there to watch and assist, and in my case to show me her “O” face.

Then the procedure begins. The doctor cuts open your scrotum and starts moving things around inside. He will talk to you during it to keep your mind off of things.

Pain level so far: back to zero.

When the doctor starts cutting the vas deferens you can feel the tugging and moving of your scrotal innards. It is a very strange sensation but not too painful.

Pain level so far: uncomfortable but very manageable.

Once completed the doctor will stitch you back up with dissolving stitches. You will get a prescription for Tylenol with codeine and be on your merry way after you put on your new jockstrap and loose fitting clothes.

Final Surgery Pain level: I’ve had worse. Man up, Nancy Boy. Stubbing your toe hurts worse.

That Night:

The night that follows is a fun little thing. Your balls are going to swell, making it feel like you are carrying a cantaloupe in your pants. Your back is going to hurt, your inner thighs and legs will hurt, and in my case an old groin muscle injury is going to get re-aggravated.

Pain level so far: “oh man, that hurts.”

As the night progresses and the numbing agent wears off you will start to feel things more. The Doc orders you to have frozen peas or ice packs handy for 20 on/20 off. This DOES help with swelling and you MUST do this, otherwise you are going to be in worse shape.

You will start having problems getting out of chairs and walking. You will adopt a wide-legged John Wayne stance. You will curse the jock strap band for being so damned effective.

Pain level so far: “Honey, can you… errrgh… get me… arrghh…”

If you can sleep most of the night away go for it. You will probably need a pillow to put between your legs to help stop from crushing your now swollen sack. I’ve had to use one the past two nights.

The Next Day:

The next day is a bit worse than the first. The swelling gets more, you feel the pain more, and just coughing hurts. It isn’t bad as long as you know how to handle pain, but weaklings need not apply.

Pain level: “leave me alone except when I want something.”

The Day After Tomorrow:

The third day, of which I am now in, things get a bit better. The swelling starts going down but the back and scrotal pain remains. Your legs should start feeling better. You start becoming a bit more mobile but still walking in a wide legged stance. Short distances are best at this point.

Pain level: “I’ll get my own soda, but you’re doing the dishes and laundry.”

Other Observations and Information:

In all the procedure is not that painful, the days after are more painful than the actual procedure itself. With proper icing and painkiller management (buy some ibuprofen for the swelling) you will get through it just fine.

However, don’t try to be Superman. TAKE IT EASY. The doctor tells you to not do anything strenuous for a week following the procedure; take this advice. If you need more time, take it. Don’t milk it, but do for yourself.

DO NOT EXERCISE. No weightlifting, no taking out the trash. NO LIFTING means NO LIFTING. No pushing, straining or running. No lawnmowers or snowblowers. No bicycles, motorcycles, horses or anything you have to straddle.

You also can’t ejaculate for a week so don’t even think of having sex or masturbating any time soon. Night emissions are cool if you still do so, but no manual or partner-ly help.

The stitches are self dissolving and will disappear in about ten days.

The jock strap has to be worn for a week. This helps lessen the scrotal swelling (although in my experience there is still some). It also helps from your balls drooping. WEAR THE DAMNED THING.

The worst part is not bathing for 48 hours. The paperwork says 24 but the Doc told me 48. If you aren’t a dabber (dabbing your dick after pissing with toilet paper) become one. You don’t want any infection on your stitches.

Infertility:

This should go without saying but I’m saying it anyway: you aren’t sterile yet.

Condoms and other birth control still need to be used once you can have sex.

Now comes the fun part: you MUST ejaculate 12 to 20 times during the week prior to collecting your sample(s). The doctor gives you two sample cups to take home to collect your sperm in. This comes with caveats:

-You can’t ejaculate 48 hours before collection.

-You have to collect EVERYTHING. Every last drop must make it into that cup.

-No condoms can be used while collecting because they contain spermicide.

So you get to jerk off (or hire some prostitutes to help you do so) around 20 times in a week THEN you can’t orgasm for two days. If you’re anything like me at that point you are going to be craving an orgasm and will be driven to madness. Then you get to repeat this for the second sample.

Once you get two samples come back as clear of live sperm you are infertile. You no longer need to use a condom or other birth control to prevent pregnancy. You do, however, have to keep using condoms to prevent STDs, and I strongly urge you to do so.

And there you have it; my experiences with a vasectomy so far. I will update as needed but I don’t expect much more to come from this. If you have any questions feel free to use the “Contact” form, leave a comment, or hit me up on Twitter.

The image is fully copyrighted by myself and my wife. No usage of this image is allowed without express written permission from both of us. Creative Commons licensing on this site does not pertain to this post or anything included within.

Podcast name of “Greetings from Minnesota (By Way of Oregon, Origin: California) is copyrighted and already in use on another site owned by myself and my wife. No deviations on the podcast name are allowed.

Look the other way, Disney. Just look the other way...

I’m an old hand at this; this isn’t just some guy doing a “me too” podcast. I’ve done radio work and my previous podcast was quite popular for a guy nobody had ever heard of. To this day I’m still amazed so many people would listen to me speak for two hours. I get tired of listening to myself after five minutes, but I guess people who don’t hear me 24/7 enjoy it.

This time there are added elements that will kick it up as my wife will be joining me, having someone to bounce a conversation off of makes a world of difference. There are also a few Twitter friends whom have pledged their support for segments over Skype. (The sex ones are going to be awesome.) We are also going to try and recruit my father-in-law for a monthly rant about old days vs. new. The podcast is planned for a weekly affair because really, who the fuck can talk about shit each and every day without repeating themselves? No one life is that interesting.

With all this going for us what are we missing?

We need bed music. We need transition music. We need music, period. We have some stuff already that comes with apps, completely royalty free and allowing whatever usage we wish, but there isn’t the greatest selection available in those apps. I have visited and browsed Creative Commons databases for music but there are so many restrictions and non-clear language (ironic, no?) for podcast use that we can’t properly use the music without legal wrangling, which we are trying to avoid. We want some real music, music with feeling, music with a message, music that makes someone want to shake their ass.

Therefore we offer the following: allow us to use your music in our podcast without any strings and we’ll promote your stuff to our listeners without any strings. Think of it as a “friends with benefits” relationship; we both get our load shot off and gain glad tidings with each other.

What you get:

• Your music placed within our podcast as either a bed, transition, or partial/full play (our choice).
• We will pimp your work in the podcast – at the end of each podcast will be a credits section where we will name the piece/artist included and direct people to our website…
• Where in the podcast post of the week we will link to your destination of choice. Still using MySpace? Got it. Want more Facebook friends? Make it so. Twitter? Chirp. Need better iTunes/Amazon sales? We’ll hook you up. Whether it is the above or wanting to sell out a show let us know where to link and we will send our listeners to you.
• We will work to set up a time to interview you within the podcast so you can pimp your stuff even more.

What we get:

• To use your music without paying royalties or fees
• More and better sounding content

(Pretty short list on our side, huh?)

I know what every single one of you is thinking: “what’s the catch?”

And you have every right to be suspicious. I know I am always wary of offers like these and tend to not accept them. Hell, if you search this very site you will find postings of mine that say “fuck the portfolio expanders on Craigslist”, of which this would probably fall into that category. The difference is that this isn’t a “contest”. This isn’t a “make me money while I use your work” scheme.

The “catch” is that right now we are only accepting 25 artists/bands. That’s the only “catch”.

We are doing this podcast for the love of doing it and for the need to get certain things off of our chest. Do we hope to make money from doing it? Sure, why wouldn’t we? Everyone wants to make money off of the thing they love to do. The difference is that there is a better chance for you to make money off of our work than for us to do so anytime soon. You are coming out the bigger winner then we are.

So go ahead and send me a note. Make sure to include a link to your music in the message so we can check you out and to read the “fine print” below. Just some legal shit but it is important.

We look forward to getting your music out to more listeners. Just remember who helped you out when you make it big, eh?

LEGAL SHIT

The following is in plain English as that is how I like to talk.

If you wish to submit your music for use on our podcast please be aware of the following rules:

1. Please be 18 or older. If you are under 18 please have a parent, guardian, or some legal counsel/agent/manager contact us. We need people who can legally enter into a binding agreement to let us use your music royalty free.
2. Please have any and all legal rights and copyrights to the music you want promoted in our podcast. As much as we love fans letting people know of great music they found, we need the artist’s/record label’s permission to use their music.
3. We reserve the right to reject any artist/band/music for any reason we see fit. We need music badly but not bad enough to have hate speech or condoning acts of violence against kids. Common sense prevails on this one.
4. We reserve the right to edit any music as we see fit. This includes but is not limited to: editing for use as beds (no lyrics), content (which will probably never happen) and time.
5. If you want prominent placement of your music that overrides our personal selection process (but does not negate our rejection rights) you are going to want advertising. That costs money and has to follow a different set of rules thanks to the U.S. FTC (Federal Trade Commission). Contact us through the “Contact Me” link at the top of any page and choose “Podcast – Advertising” for more information.
6. We reserve the right to add on or adjust these rules any time we see fit without notification. Hey, sometimes people are dicks and ruin it for everyone else. Everything is a live and learn process, unfortunately some people never learn and we wish they would stop living. So if something changes and we have to be more strict about stuff blame the dick who made that change happen. Don’t worry; you’ll know who it is.

As I got to compiling them into one PDF (makes continuous reading so much easier) I noticed something. The 24 PDFs that CNN released equaled 666MB in size.

Palin's Evil Emails (click for larger image)

Please note that the only modifications of the screenshot above are the following:

• I added the arrows pointing out the size of the 24 PDFs
• I added the “watermarks” for the URL of this site
• I “redacted” certain directories that do not need to be shared with the world for private IP (intellectual property) and security reasons
• I added a brief description stating where the PDFs were downloaded from and that they weren’t modified for size

This is just one (albeit a very good) reason to lament the loss of Taste of Minnesota.

Nothing like some money hungry assholes who buy a Twin Cities tradition, raise the price of admission so high that no one has enough money left to buy the food once they are in, and bring in acts that no one wants to see.

The Zombies? That crowd was HUGE. Enormous. People loved them.

Such a sad state.

This is also my first test post from Flickr, since they’ve finally figured out how to do posting to a self-hosted WordPress blog. Not too bad, but not great. I will play with it more in the months to come and get it all purdy.

In general, I hate other people’s children. (Think on that one for a moment, will you?) I always wanted a daughter and to name her Phoenix Rose, which I got and did.

Now I have no need to breed. I am done. Wife doesn’t want any kids either. If we end up wanting a child later in life we will adopt. There are more than enough children in the world without a home or parents to love them that are already here. Who the fuck are we to bring another one into this world and deny that child who was here first love and a family?

Therefore, I am getting snipped. Neutered. Becoming half the man I used to be. “That sound you hear was millions of sperm calling out at once… and silenced.” Say it however you wish, but I am stopping the madness before it can spread.

While my health insurance covers the majority of the procedure since it is considered a form of birth control there are still bills to be paid for it. Doctor visits, jerking off visits to make sure the procedure took, hookers to help me get rid of the still living passengers in my Scrotal Ship when my own arm gets tired…

I have this idea and it is reinforced each day by the abortion protestors I see at the local hospital. I see them out there protesting against the end of a life before it has begun, yet they drag their already born children out into the elements that adults hate. (Winters here are harsh yet they have no problem bringing their four, five, or six year olds and even newborns out for hours upon end. Even worse is they do this at night into the midnight to 1am territory.) It seems to me that while they are instilling all this love into a child that isn’t even legally a child yet they are shoving the ones they already have to the side. The “fight for life” ends after it escapes the uterus apparently.

But they are so fervent! So adamant! “YOU’RE KILLING BABIES!” they cry. “YOU’RE A MURDERER!” they yell. Far be it from me to murder a person or kill a baby. That’s just wrong. So I beseech upon thee to help save a child… by killing my sperm. Tell your friends, your neighbors, your clergy. (Especially your clergy.) Tell your local abortion protestors, right to life groups, crazy cat lady who never had kids and elects to have massive amounts of pussy stand in for them. Have them donate to cover the cost of stopping a murder. A murder of an innocent life they are sworn… nay, ORDERED BY GOD to protect!

The donate button is below. There is no set limit except that of $1 (one dollar). If a person wishes to donate more they can.  You can donate too if you wish, but make sure to spread this post everywhere. Twitter, Facebook, Fark, Digg, Reddit, CNN, FoxNews, MSNBC, New York Times, BBC, church newsletters, your next Anarchist Group Meeting, 4Chan. Spread it far and wide, kill all those sperm I’m keeping inside.

May the life you are saving never be conceived.

UPDATE: Somewhere between writing and posting this entry a few paragraphs got lost. The following are those paragraphs:

How much is the procedure going to cost? I don’t know yet. I just got my referral and am setting up a date tomorrow. I am thinking I am going to be out around $500 or so after all is said and done. However, that amount could be much larger or much smaller, and I won’t really know until the bill comes.

SO! Here’s the deal on amount of donation: any amount that goes above the needed amount to pay for the procedure will be donated to a local charity that helps kids needing/waiting to be adopted. (Anyone know a good charity like this in the Twin Cities area? Use the Contact Me form and let me know!) Whether it be shoes, bedding, braces, or just a teddy bear they can hug and love; the extra money will help that child know that anonymous strangers from the internet care more for them than the people with the means to actually care for them. (It will also help bring a smile to their face you cold, heartless wretches.)

And for those of you taking what has been said here too seriously: there is a lot of sarcasm and satire in this entry but I am serious about the vasectomy and the donation to an adoption charity. Both great causes (stop me from breeding!) that deserve help. Sure, I’m just some weirdo from the internet, but weirdos from the internet are changing lives these days. Better this weirdo who is willing to give up a rather substantial portion of himself than some other weirdo who is just trying to scam you all.

Now you get the best of both worlds: kill my sperm and help a child. A child that the abortion protestors don’t seem to give much of a shit about otherwise they would’ve adopted that child themselves.

Which is fine with me. Superman Returns was quite a lackluster movie to me. It felt more like a retread than a sequel, trying to sum up the first four Christopher Reeve films into one long film. Kevin Spacey did a good job as Lex Luthor but otherwise it was not that great.

How to make the new film good? I’ve been throwing these ideas around for a good long while now and have come up with a checklist on how to make The Man of Steel an actual good movie.

Fuck Lois Lane

Not literally (although Amy Adams is quite fetching) but push her to the background. Same with Jimmy Olsen, Perry White, Ma and Pa Kent, Lana Lang, and the rest of the supporting cast we all know.

We get that Superman is “human” because of his supporting cast. He loves Lois, Jimmy Olsen is his “pal”, and he learned how to be a hero from Ma and Pa. We know he learns of his Kryptonian heritage from Jor-el and his mother.

Don’t push the supporting cast into the limelight. Superman has been around for near 80 years, I’m pretty sure most people get his supporting cast by now.

Lex Luthor Is Done

Lex is Superman’s arch-enemy. He is the one who Supes is always fighting against, and that’s the problem.

Out of five movies there has been only one movie where Lex wasn’t the big bad behind everything. Lex’s time in the spotlight is done. Bring on a different villain already.

And as much as everyone loves saying “KNEEL BEFORE ZOD”, how about we don’t? What if Zod takes a vacation this round?

A new villain is needed and needed badly. But who? Brainiac? Metallo? Doomsday?

Doomsday would be awesome and leads into…

More Punching, Less Feelings

Supes is a massively overpowered alien who has empathy for the human race. We understand that quite well. It’s because we understand that so well that we don’t need the exposition at all. Set up the villain and the plot in the first 30-45 minutes and then go straight for the massive brawl. Make Supes an action movie.

We know he can fight, we know he can do things “beyond mortal men”. SHOW US! Have Supes punch a villain into orbit, melt a mech into slag with his heat vision, figure out where the nuke is with his x-ray vision, and fly faster than the sound barrier to ram a bad guy into the side of a mountain.

Use his powers in fight instead of figuring out what color Lois’ panties are. (Yes, that did happen in a Reeve film.)

We Know Superman

As stated, Supes has been around for near 80 years. We know him. Those who aren’t up on him know him. He is very recognizable.

As such we know his origin as well. One of the worst things to ever happen in comics was the Clone Saga in the Spider-Man titles back in the 90s. Beyond the whole thing itself was when Ben Reilly took over as Spider-Man.

What was so bad about it? That every issue opened with him waxing poetic about his origin. “I’m Ben Reilly, really Peter Parker. I’m a clone, or maybe not. EMO!” That shit took up the whole front page of every issue in that era. It was annoying.

Superman’s origin is quite clear. “Last survivor of the planet Krypton sent to Earth, has godlike powers, fights for truth and justice.” (The “American Way” has been dropped.) We don’t need his origin told again in a film. Skip it and get to the action.

Hardbound Graphic Novel

Simple checklist here:

1. Fuck the supporting cast. Have them, but put them in the background.

2. Stop with the origin bullshit. We know it already.

3. Give us a new villain. Lex Luthor is over and Zod is too obvious.

4. More action, less talking.

Which movie would you rather see:

A: A film about a man from the stars. We watch him grow up and learn how to be human. He garners godlike powers and decides to use them for good, all the while hiding out as a weak reporter who stumbles into everything while trying to win the love of his fellow reporter who happens to be a hardass bitch. Lex Luthor, an evil (human) businessman, tries to kill Superman and declare Metropolis as his own. Superman has to outwit Luthor to save the day.

or

B: Superman has to stop an overpowered villain who has a master plan to take over/destroy the Earth. Superman has one day to stop the villain by using all of his powers and might in a race to save Earth. Leaving behind his family, friends, and the life he knows as Clark Kent Superman immerses himself in the role of protector he has taken in an action packed film.

My money would go to B.

Yet one of the most successful game to movie adaptations is also one of the most successful sci-fi/action/horror genre franchises: Resident Evil. As stated on the commentary track for the first film “Milla in a mini. What more do you want?”

And that seems to be the biggest hate on the films alongside general gamer gripes. There is a contingent that hates the fact that Milla Jovovich is a character named Alice who isn’t part of the game series. The other side is that the movies didn’t follow the story line of the games.

Milla is easy enough: she is hot, she can act, and she loves getting physical in many roles. She is one of the underrated action genre movie actresses. (Lara Croft in reboot, please?)

The game to film story conversion? That seems to be harder to fix for the “diehards”. Allow me to fix it for them.

The Infection

The bitching generally comes from a leaked George Romero script that had the first film follow the first game. Yes, as a gamer, that would’ve been awesome to see. The actual first film depicts the story in a different light. Alice goes through the Mansion Incident instead of the S.T.A.R.S. team, Wesker is not the betrayer, and Chris & Jill are nowhere to be seen. At the time the film came out many gamers pegged this as a prequel of sorts, hoping it set up the “actual story”.

Who would complain about this? I'd beg for it.

Then the sequels came and gamers bitched even louder that the “franchise has been destroyed”, that there was “no hope in salvaging it”, and the films are “getting progressively worse”.

That last one I agree with to a point. RE: Apocalypse wasn’t the greatest film, even though it did introduce Jill Valentine and Carlos. It did what it was meant to: show us the eventual destruction of Raccoon City and the birth of the Nemesis project. (Boy, did they mess up on Nemesis or what? Horrible make-up there.)

RE: Extinction was good, but worse than Apocalypse. It was a bland movie. It did bring us Claire Redfield, searching for her brother Chris (who up to that point hadn’t even made a cameo), and setting up a quite evil Wesker.

Then RE: Afterlife came out and those two middle movies suddenly made more sense and got more appealing as part of the ongoing narrative. They fit in as exposition. They gave us the information we needed to enjoy RE: Afterlife.

(The fifth film is coming soon, by the way. Will be interesting to see where the story goes from here.)

The Antidote

There will always be people griping about game to film conversions. Silent Hill, one of the best adaptations made yet, has people who bash it for not being close to the first game. Arguing that “if you want the game, play the game” is futile because it is logic. Logic has no place on the internet.

No, the only solution to these problems, and specifically where they concern the Resident Evil series, is this:

"Oh, wow. I had the strangest dream... or the best orgasm of my life. Gimme a minute."

The films are an alternate universe.

I’ll give you a minute for that to sink in.

Okay, got it? Good. Now let me make my case.

The films do tell the story of survivors fighting against Umbrella, just not how fans of the game series remember it. By using this favorite device of sci-fi and horror films (and many, many comic books) the films get infinitely better. This IS how the Mansion Incident and the Destruction of Raccoon City went down. This is the fight against Umbrella.

The difference is that in this universe Alice was working to out Umbrella for who they really were when her contact jumped the gun. That one difference changed everything. No longer did the Mansion Incident happen with S.T.A.R.S., now it took place with Alice. How did this change events as we know them?

1. Jill Valentine and Carlos are still in Raccoon City for the destruction, just in a different capacity as Jill wasn’t at the Mansion. Jill is at a loss to explain what is happening instead of having intimate knowledge of the events leading up.

2. Nemesis was created to stop Alice instead of hunt down and wipe out the remaining S.T.A.R.S. members.

3. Claire is still searching for her brother, Chris, but never made it to Raccoon City to meet Leon Kennedy because Chris wasn’t involved in the Mansion Incident.

4. Wesker is still the big bad behind Umbrella, but never had the time to infiltrate S.T.A.R.S. to initiate the Mansion Incident, which in turn took his role in the scheme of things in a different direction.

5. Chris Redfield never left the armed forces to join the Raccoon City Police Department and help found S.T.A.R.S., which in turn means Barry never survived long enough to betray them. As it stands now, Barry was killed in the destruction of Raccoon City.

6. Leon is nowhere to be seen (as of yet). He never made the trip to begin his first day at the RPD.

7. Ada Wong was never put on assignment to get close to the researchers at the Mansion or William Birkin. Due to Leon never making it to Raccoon City, their relationship never took place as we know it. The likelihood of her surviving the mass outbreak is slim.

New Chapter+

If the films are viewed this way by the gamers who have enjoyed the game series they become infinitely better. One commenter on Kotaku, which was one of the first places I posited this theory, even stated that I “made the films 150% better” for him and virtually smacked his forehead for not thinking of it first.

To expect game to movie conversion to be completely faithful to the games is to expect the masses to understand everything without the long hours and intimate knowledge a game gives a person. Resident Evil has a rich history that is mainly told through text files found in the games. Those files don’t translate to film very easily, therefore film makers have to condense what is essentially a 10-60 hour game into less than two hours (depending upon the game). If the film does well we will get more information in sequels, which is what has happened with the Resident Evil series.

The Resident Evil series of movies are popular for a reason. They are good to great sci-fi/action/horror films with a hot, capable and better than most at her craft actress. This is what sells tickets at theatres which in turn allows other films to be made.

Take my advice and view the films as stated above; an alternate universe to the one we know and love. You will be much happier for it and less RAGE. View other game to movie conversions in the same way. Yes, a lot of them will still be shitty beyond belief, but many of them will get better if you have that mindset going in.

One would think superheroes or zombies would be the latest thing, and One would be right to an extent. However, there is a much bigger terror on the horizon: Twilight-ifying everything.

This usually comes in the form of the stories we know and love. Stories from the Brothers Grimm, Mother Goose, Hans Christian Andersen, and many others. Pretty much think of it this way: if Disney has made an animated musical out of it, it is time to Twilight-ify it.

The two latest atrocities? Red Riding Hood and Beauty and the Beast. Don’t believe me?

Red Riding Hood

Click the link up there and view the trailer. While there check out the bottom of the page. Yup, all filled with Twilight. Hell, even the director of Twilight directed that.

But wait, there’s more. Here is the synopsis of the film:

In Red Riding Hood, Seyfried plays Valerie, a beautiful young woman torn between two men. She is in love with a brooding outsider, Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), but her parents have arranged for her to marry the wealthy Henry (Max Irons). Unwilling to lose each other, Valerie and Peter are planning to run away together when they learn that Valerie’s older sister has been killed by the werewolf that prowls the dark forest surrounding their village. For years, the people have maintained an uneasy truce with the beast, offering the creature a monthly animal sacrifice. But under a blood red moon, the wolf has upped the stakes by taking a human life. Hungry for revenge, the people call on famed werewolf hunter, Father Solomon (Gary Oldman), to help them kill the wolf. But Solomon’s arrival brings unintended consequences as he warns that the wolf, who takes human form by day, could be any one of them. As the death toll rises with each moon, Valerie begins to suspect that the werewolf could be someone she loves. As panic grips the town, Valerie discovers that she has a unique connection to the beast–one that inexorably draws them together, making her both suspect… and bait.

Yeah, nothing Twilighty about that now, is there?

Beastly

Synopsis:

When a spell is cast on a spoiled, shallow high school student (Alex Pettyfer) that physically transforms him into someone as unattractive on the outside as he is on the inside, he has one year to find a young woman (Vanessa Hudgens) who will love him despite his hideous form or the spell will last forever.

Beauty and the Beast right there. The problem is that they have made it all emo/Twilighty.

Also, one of the many varied versions of Snow White coming out sometime in the next few years will be a Twilighty version.

In the spirit of Twilight-ifying everything, I present to you fairy tales, nursery rhymes, and everything else I can think of to make into an emo Twilight suckfest.

The Three Little Pigs
The tale of a man with lycanthropy who must choose between three sisters, each one smarter than the last. As he woos each sister the Society (a stand in for actual society, which hates anything different) sends gusting winds to destroy the house of each sister, killing her in the process. He is down to the last sister. Can they find true love and rise above Society’s hatred?

Goldilocks and the Three Bears
(My wife gets some credit for this one. We were talking about Twilight-ifying everything and we worked this one out.)

Goldi is a blonde, effeminate teenage boy who is cast out from his home and town for being gay. He stumbles upon a house in the woods that is inhabited by three burly, hairy gay men. The three men, the Bear Brothers, all try to win the affections of Goldi, unaware that the evil More Men Group hunts them. Will Goldi and the Bear Brothers survive their encounter with the More Men Group? Can Goldi find love in the arms of a Bear?

Old Mother Hubbard
Years ago, Melody Hubbard was in love with a young man named Rove. One night he disappeared with no reason given. She waited for him to return, slowly slipping into poverty. As she approached middle age a stray dog found its way to her doorstep. She took the poor animal in and nursed it back to health, doting upon it, and naming him “Rover” in honor of her lost beau. The dog helped ease the pain of her loss.

Unbeknownst to Melody, Rover was actually Rove. A powerful warlock who wanted Melody to himself had kidnapped Rove. After years of torture and being locked away, the warlock and Rove came to an agreement: if Rove could make Melody see an invisible bone the warlock had placed in her cupboard the curse would be broken, allowing Rove and Melody to live their remaining days together.

Can Rove, as Rover, get Melody to look inside her bare cupboards to give him a bone?

1. Officeless Hipsters roaming the streets, looking for their next free WiFi fix.
2. Less places to have people watch you write your screenplay/novel/blog post while trying to look smart.
3. One less place for mouth breathers to walk past in the mall as they go to spend $500 on a pair of panties… using their tuition check to pay for it.
4. Don’t worry, that gift card you bought your granddaughter? It will still go unused.
5. “Earth: The Book” will see a significant drop in sales, greasy fingerprints on the pages.
6. Parents will have to actually pay for a babysitter when they want to go somewhere.
7. Piracy of books will remain at the same level it always has been: .0000001%
8. Good News: Less Twitards getting in your way while you try to purchase a copy of  ”Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”. Bad News: They will now be at home, giggling in their rooms, making it impossible for you to read “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”.
9. Librarians will be ecstatic over their job’s security, still be lonely that no one visits them.
10. People will navigate to Wal*Mart and pick up the “Slave Jim” version of Huckleberry Finn, sold to them by an underpaid wage slave who happens to be Black.

Video games, the medium that is making people rape people and kill each other, has just won a Grammy.

Too bad the music is six years old. It’s also too bad that the Grammys really just don’t pay attention to the awesome music that comes from video games.

The link below will take you to Kotaku for the full story.

Hopefully. They changed their link structure recently, and it sucks.

Video Games Finally Won A Grammy.

Yup, spammers are at it again, so I am back and putting their information out for the world to see.

Here is the spammer’s information:

To: Spider Mann
From:
Randall Tuttle
rachelleholloway369@gmail.com

What does this pertain to?
Just a general note

Message:
We noticed that you are not at the top of the search engines for a
number of your key terms. We have helped companies similar to yours to
achieve top organic rankings. Please reply to this message and we will
prepare a special proposal for you, to show you how we can achieve
similar results for you.

Akismet Spam Check: passed
Sent from (ip address): 122.173.202.105
(ABTS-North-Dynamic-105.202.173.122.airtelbroadband.in)
Date/Time: February 4, 2011 4:12 pm
Coming from (referer): http://www.lifebyalbum.com/contact-me
Using (user agent): Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; en-US;
rv:1.9.1.16) Gecko/20101130 Firefox/3.5.16 GTB7.1 ( .NET CLR
3.5.30729)

The actual email:

You're going to help with my SEO? How'd you find me if it wasn't for SEO?

Once more, feel free to sign this email address up for all the spam you can muster. All the email lists. Report them to whomever you wish.

Peter Jackson is finally making The Hobbit, the prequel to The Lord of the Rings. Here is my suggestion on how to make this movie more awesome than it ever had a right to be.

At the end (movie two, since it is supposed to be split) we see all the hobbits in the shire. Bilbo has done his deeds and everything. It is in the future a bit but still before Lord of the Rings. We see some hobbits sitting around a fire talking, little hobbit kids are there asking about what Bilbo did.

One hobbit strikes up some MiddleEarth instrument and starts singing a tale of Bilbo’s adventure. It is Ballad of Bilbo Baggins by Leonard Nimoy. (Even better would be getting Nimoy to show up in a cameo for it). It is sung as if it is a song made for MiddleEarth/Shire.

(I really would like to see a hobbit do a tuba solo though. That would be hilarious.)

You can’t tell me that wouldn’t be epic. I have no desire to see the movies (not a fan, crucify me later) and although my wife will be dragging me along, I would pay to see them if this was the end.

Purists would get pissed but c’mon…EPIC.

Thing is, on my contact form, I have written a few things that people agree to when they contact me through it. Specifically:

Please note that all information sent through this form becomes the sole property of myself. By sending information through this form you relinquish any and all rights to the information sent. You get to keep your name and email address, but you give me the right to use those as I see fit. I can use the information sent to me in any way I see fit including but not limited to; advertising, mocking, public discourse, public disclosure, asking for tits, telling you to get the fuck out, and many other embarrassing and unneeded ways of humiliation.

Guess what? That part about doing whatever the hell I want with contact stuff? Here it is. I encourage email address spiders to use this shit too.

To: Spider Mann

From:
Cecelia Maloney
ceceliamaloney24@gmail.com

What does this pertain to?
Just a general note

Message:
0120120120

The original message sent through the site.

So feel free to sign this spammer up for every email list there is. Report them to their ISP (I have), their email handler (Google knows now, even if it is most likely spoofed), and any other way. I want other spammers to use their bots to cull that email address and spam the mother loving fuck out of it.

I’ve never spent the time to learn how to play an instrument. I used to know how to play the Saxophone, a little piano, and some guitar but nothing substantial. One of those “later” things.

Later isn’t here yet, but GarageBand from Apple is.

Therefore, here is the first piece of shit I ever made in GarageBand. No one outside of my child has ever heard this. Figure I might as well put up something embarrassing on here.

If you want to hear some of my better stuff (all created within Garageband) click the links below. Mine are the ones with the spider tattoo on skin, not the other person on there.

Fear of the Flesh

Pyramid Radio Blues

Those should take you to the exact singles I put up. Mostly used it to test out a delivery system to iTunes for clients of mine, but some people have actually bought these. (I’m sorry.) One person said they wanted to use “Fear of the Flesh” in a movie they were making, but I never heard anything else about it.

When I got a look at this tree in 2009 I couldn’t believe the amount of Geek and pop culture that was on it, so I had to photograph it this year. Unfortunately, due to the severe shake in my hands, some of the photos didn’t turn out at all or are just so-so. Next year I will remember my tripod for better photographing.

Even so, enjoy the Geekmas Tree. Here’s a game to play before you click the information button:

1. Look at the photo.
2. Try to figure out who/what is in the photo before clicking the information button.
3. Keep tally of how many you get right.

We went over to the in-laws, exchanged gifts and ate food. We had shrimp, gouda, swiss, pepperoni, ham appetizers with crackers and other cheese. For dinner I made my lasagna and the in-laws made a salad and garlic bread to go with. Dessert was Banana Cream Pie but we were all too full from the lasagna.

Watched the Doctor Who Christmas Special on BBC America and called it a night. A full and fun Christmas.

Here is what we received. Some great stuff, especially one of them. Most awesome present ever.

Some of the photos aren’t the best due to my having very shaky hands these days. I didn’t feel like pulling out the tripod for this gallery.

While he was getting wordy he started talking about hard work. I tweeted to him that people don’t actually like doing the hard work that brings them success, which set him off even further.

In the end I got a retweet and cited on Silent Bob Speaks. So far this month has been good for me on the web, what with my photos getting picked up by the BBC and now forever stuck near the end of a post by Kevin Smith.

All of us get our joy in whatever way we can; I just happen to get some of mine through things like this.

I’m not a Mormon or other strict religious person. Hell, if I was called a religious person I would be insulted. I grew up in an area where one of the towns was jokingly referred to as “Dead Bluff – The City By The Beer”. Just south of there is the Sierra Nevada Brewing Co., the second largest craft beer producer in the United States. I lived in Oregon for a number of years where there are so many microbrews it is more than a hobby; it’s a way of life.

I remember doing yard work with my grandfather on hot summer days. One day we took a break and he handed me a beer. (I was still totally underage too.) It was a Hamm’s, presumably because the store didn’t have any Pabst Blue Ribbon (fuck off and die hipsters). I have a glass of wine once in a great while, enjoy a wine cooler on a hot day now and again. On rare occasions I will sip a Guinness for two hours (bite me, beer snobs).

I have never been a drinker. Something about the taste of alcohol never made good on my tongue. I really have to be in the mood for alcohol before I will consume it and not a single person can peer pressure me into drinking it (nor peer pressure me into anything else for that matter).  I just don’t feel a need or a want to consume alcohol. I don’t need it to have a good time or to loosen up or any such thing.

And yet, I don’t get it.

I don’t get why a vast majority of people I know or meet in whatever fashion require that you drink before you can hang out with them. That you can’t be friends because you don’t share their passion for getting plastered. That somehow I am not a fun, interesting person because I do not need to imbibe to let my true self come out. My true self is always out and if you don’t like what you see close your eyes.

I also don’t get how this is a prerequisite for fun. Are people really so shallow that they can’t begin to enjoy themselves without some mind/mood altering substance? The person I meet when you are drunk is not the person you are, it is the drunk you. I seriously doubt you will go into the bathroom and stuff rolls of toilet paper into your pants and try to walk out of the bar when you are sober (true story). I have a hard believing that you piss your pants nightly just because you can when sober. It boggles my mind that a sober you would try to blow the taxi driver instead of paying him.

Gawon kid...be a man

Don’t get me wrong; I’m far from a prude. Enjoying yourself and company over a drink is more than fine with me and that is not what I am ranting about. I am ranting about the need, the prerequisite, the absolute “I will not talk to you ever” unless the other person drinks.

Shit, I should be your best fucking friend. I should be the guy you want at all your parties and get-togethers. Why? Because I would automatically be the all-time designated driver. I can be the one who makes sure you or your friends get home. Added bonus: I won’t even try to fuck your friends because I

a) don’t like the idea of some chick puking in my mouth when making out
b) same as “a” except replace “in my mouth” with “on my dick” or “on my chest”
c) not doing the morning regret bullshit ever again (fuck you, Jenny, you whore)
d) alcohol doesn’t taste good when I put it in my mouth, why would it taste good when your friends put it in there?

While I don’t understand it, and most likely never will, I don’t condemn your choice to do it. It is your loss that you don’t want to find out more about me. I’m not the greatest guy in the world but I am a world better than the guy who proclaims he is the greatest. So, go enjoy yourselves, get slobbered and be an ass. I will sit over here with my functioning liver, clear thoughts, and a video camera to post your drunken shenanigans on YouTube.

Here is how I see the blame falling and why I am so disappointed in you, the average internet user.

Hackers

They get the majority of the blame. No matter the intentions (they say they were not part of 4chan’s Anonymous but also state they did this because Gawker has bashed 4chan) of the hackers they did the actual deed. That makes them guilty of perpetrating the crime itself.

Gawker

Gawker gets more blame than the hackers in this. They taunted Anonymous, which in turn would cause other hacker communities to decide they want some free press as well. Because, really, Anonymous has become synonymous with hacking in the mainstream media. Most of the masses don’t know about any other hacking group, and I wouldn’t be surprised if most of the masses know anything other than “OMG TERROR” when it comes to asking about hacking.

That is all conjecture and we only have that linked interview to support the hackers’ motives. What we do have is an admission from Gawker that they did not take their security too seriously in the first place. They also took way too much time in letting people know that their credentials had been compromised in my opinion.

You

Ever since the internet became a daily way of life back in the 90s people have been told to use secure passwords. Most major sites now have systems in place to let you know if your password is secure or not before creating your account, yet you choose to ignore them.

You have been told not to use the same password all over the net, to have a few different ones for differing purposes. There is no reason to have 50+ passwords, just a few secure ones will do. Different passwords for different levels of usage; one for throwaways, one for shopping, another for bank accounts and stock portfolios/sensitive data. This isn’t something that is new to the world but appears weekly, practically nightly, on the local news. It is taught in computing classes. It has become common knowledge at this point and you disavow knowledge at your own peril.

If any person on Gawker had their information compromised and suddenly their bank account is emptied because they used the same insecure password of “qwerty”, “password” or even “12345″ (now I have to change the combination on my luggage), then THEY have to accept some of the blame. They were the ones who did not listen to anyone telling them to be secure online. They were the ones who wanted a five second shorter purchase on Amazon instead of taking 10 seconds to secure their accounts.

I Told You So

I’ve been doing the computer thing for a long time. I have built and sold computers. I’ve trained people on computers from grandmothers to Fortune 500 companies. The biggest and most important thing I always teach is safety on the internet. I tell people to use OpenDNS for their DNS service not just because it is reliable but because it hooks into Google’s “Suspicious Site” algorithm, stopping a person from visiting a potentially infected site. I teach these people about the levels of password use mentioned above, about password management, about how to be smart and safe when using the internet. These people listen but I can’t guarantee they always follow it.

Everyone seems to be acting like they are teenagers, with the mindset of “I’m immortal, I’m invincible, nothing bad is ever going to happen to me!” encompassing their brains. I sincerely hope that this is a wake up call to all the people who had become complacent in their internet usage, in the security of their credentials. I also hope that the victims of this hacking will accept their portion of the blame in opening the rest of the internet up to subversion, because if it wasn’t for their lazy approach to security the passwords and email addresses that were compromised wouldn’t be opening other sites and businesses up to easy infiltration of accounts.

Blame cannot be shifted just because a lot of people did a lot of stupid at once.

Regular readers of this site or my Twitter feed will already know of the SNOWPOCALYPSE SNOWMAGEDDON SNOWMG that hit the Twin Cities this weekend, and how the wife and I ventured outside to take what we thought were just some photos of the event. I posted those photos here but also had the bug to send them to my Flickr account, which I have barely used over the years.

After spending an evening filling in “funny” titles and notes for each photo I figured I was done. Spent all night taking care of some billing and other things I had procrastinated about too long. 5:30am rolled around, the wife awoke and we had our morning smokes before the dreaded drive to take her to work. I checked my email and saw something I had not seen before: a message waiting in my Flickr account.

I check it and it says it is the BBC and they want to add me as a contact. It wouldn’t be a guess if you thought my initial reaction was, “yeah, right, the BBC. Do you know how easy it is to spoof an account on the net?” I decided to add them just because I really don’t deny anyone on that site. Most people on there aren’t exactly jumping for joy for the photos I take so I take compliments when I can get them.

I get another message on the Flickr account and it is the BBC account, asking if they can call me and discuss some of my snow photos. I do a quick Google search on the person’s name that was attached and come to realize…holy crap, THIS REALLY IS THE BBC! The friggin’ BBC has somehow seen my photos on Flickr and wants to talk to me about them. This is the moment when you start to freak out because you think this is really cool or it just might be an elaborate hoax. I give them my contact info and take the wife to work.

When I get back it isn’t more than five minutes and the phone rings. It is the BBC. There is no joke. The amazingly nice woman (could just be the accent) said they enjoyed the photos and wanted to use them on their website and possibly their newscast. They also wanted to interview me about the blizzard we had over the weekend. I did the interview, gave them permission to use the photos and to pass my information over to their television news center for possible “use of the photos and a second interview with one of our reporters”.

I am still all bewildered by this turn of events at this point. I am not a photographer, amateur or not. I am just a guy who points and shoots then posts weird shots in some Farktography threads. Later in the afternoon (about 15 minutes ago) I get another message in my Flickr account; this time telling me my photos have been used and here is where they can be seen: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/11983139 (mine are #5 and #6 as of this writing)

Yeah, okay…it’s starting to sink in. The BBC has used some of my photos and I was interviewed by them. On Saturday night I couldn’t even send my photos to the local Fox affiliate because the email kept bouncing back. I know most people reading this are thinking, “dude, so what?” to which I say “IT’S THE FRICKIN’ BBC!”. I am honored that they even looked at my stuff let alone used it. Remember, I didn’t submit these to them, they found them and asked me. This isn’t like getting your stuff used on local news because you sent it to their Facebook; they actually did research for photos, came across mine and liked them enough to use them.

Damn if that ain’t cool.

Unfortunately, somewhere between the new theme and a new version of WordPress, some older articles broke. These articles are the multi-page ones before January 2010.

The one night I had set aside to fix these the servers went down. Since then I haven’t touched them.

So, when I get a chance, I will fix those. Will probably be done one by one until they are all fixed. They aren’t anything really important so it isn’t like they need to be fixed yesterday, I am sure next year will work just fine.

Just a note to update those who might be coming here from search engines. If you find an article you absolutely must be able to read and it isn’t fixed yet, feel free to hit the “Contact” form and send me a message with the title of the article. I will fix it up as quickly as possible and send you a response letting you know it is fixed.

Reports are becoming finalized and here is the damage estimate:

Some areas of the Twin Cities got 20″ of snow.
This is the fifth most snow the Twin Cities has seen since they started keeping track.
The Metrodome has collapsed, giving the Vikings the perfect defense for needing a new stadium. (YAY HIGHER TAXES!!!)
I-90 to South Dakota has been reopened after having been closed for 24 hours.
The roads are being plowed again after it became too dangerous to do what they are made to do. Some streets plows didn’t even have enough power to get on to.
My balls are starting to peek out from their asshole hiding place.

I already posted these up on Flickr, but I know some people don’t like that site so I am posting them here as well. No witty banter this time because I shot that load on the Flickr stuff.

Whatever you want to call it, it is fucking cold outside, and outside is covered in snow.

The MidWest and Minnesota have been hit quite hard this weekend. Preliminary count puts some areas of the Twin Cities at around 18″ right now. Other areas are counting upwards of two feet. I-94 is closed, reports of the Metrodome roof collapsing have come in, and the cities have pulled plow service because it is too dangerous to even do that.

Here, then, is proof of local fun. The wife and I trekked out into the front parking lot and took some photos. Tomorrow I will trek into the backyard area and snap some there as a follow-up post to this.

A legend on how to operate the slideshow is below it.

PDF has some restrictions but reading it should be fine. Anyone runs into problems opening the PDF let me know and I will post a new one. Feedback, as always, is appreciated and wanted.

Chapter One Preview – 176kb

As always I am not responsible for typos or the like. Proof-reading is an ongoing process.

I forged ahead anyway, making a nice batch of chocolate chip cookies earlier today. We went to collect our Toy Story 3 Blu-ray from the mail that Netflix had sent (ended up being a DVD, but that is another tale) and dropped the cookies off. Thought nothing more of it.

About ten minutes later there was a knock at the door and two quite good looking females were there. They invited us to come and be part of the festivities. After a bit we decided to join them and walked down the hall.

Holy hell…that family has some amazing genes. There wasn’t a single person in there that wasn’t of higher caliber looks. All the women were striking and very attractive, even the grandmother of the birthday girl, and the men were all muscled and whatnot. There was not a single person in that room that was not good looking…until you came to the wife and I.

We aren’t exactly ugly but we aren’t Angelina and Brad either. We are generally comfortable with ourselves but boy did that room make us feel out of place. I really felt like Quasimodo in the tower screaming “ESMERALDA!!”.

All the people were very nice though. Talked a bit to the mother of the birthday girl and the grandmother. Very warm and welcoming people.

Just can’t get over how well their gene pool was constructed. If an atheist were to ever entertain the thought of divine intervention, that room would be Exhibit A that some outside force brought those genes together.

Why Werewolves? Wouldn’t the current Vampire trend make your book more marketable?

Yes, vampires would make it more marketable, although there is a sense that that particular monster is beginning to get played out very fast in the eyes of the consumer.

I have always felt that werewolves never got the justice they deserved, either in literature or on screen, whereas just about every kind of vampire has been portrayed within the past century plus. Werewolves are almost always portrayed in the same light with the same backstory, minimal changes allowed for the story they are within.

It also doesn’t hurt that this idea has been at least ten years in the making. I still have the original outline I produced way back in the late 1990s for this story I have wanted to be told.

What makes your Werewolves different?

It began with a discussion about how to pronounce the word “werewolf”. Most everyone pronounces it as “wherewolf”, some pronounce it as “weerwolf”, whereas I always thought the proper pronunciation should be “were wolf”. I admit I was wrong in this aspect but it sparked an idea in my head; “what if they actually were wolves turned into humans instead of humans turned into wolves?”

With this idea in mind I decided that it would set apart the werewolves in my story from others. Instead of the usual “oh woe is me I have been turned into this creature by a curse” I made it “oh woe is me I have been turned into this creature by a curse…and this creature is human.”

Werewolves were created as an aspect of our humanity, but the humanity has been stripped from the creature. That is what has been missing from werewolves for a long time; their humanity. Animals do not get jealous, they do not kill out of rage, envy, or lust. Animals kill for survival, whether it is to eat or to live. Humans are the only animals capable of torture and of war. Humans are the single most fearsome creatures on the planet.

So what happens when you infuse all of those traits of humans into an animal that is used to kill or be killed? If you introduce hate, bigotry, and rage into an animal that only knew existence would they be able to cope? What about love, would that emotion make a difference? This is explored within the book.

I have stated that this book is scary for what is done not what is. Each atrocity, each act of evil within this book is an act of evil that man has perpetrated upon fellow man throughout history. You WILL see very clear similarities to crimes of the past decade as well as the past century because they are the utmost of evil. Nothing is scarier than what man does to his fellow man. I will embellish these a bit to make them worse than they were, but in reality there isn’t much more you can add that would make these crimes worse.

Case in point: Josef Fritzl. Yeah, think about that for a moment and think of how much more horrible it can be made.

What role does Religion play in your book?

It is not a hidden fact that I have my issues with religion. I am never vague on the topic and never will be.

The interesting thing to me is to think of a world where religion was cut off, where science and magic took root and prospered. How far would humanity have reached without religion bringing about the wars and atrocities that were waged in religious zeal? Then, at a crucial point, religion is brought back into the world. People are being converted into believers, erecting churches and giving their lives over to a being that was denied for millennia. How would religion, at a new starting point, play with magic and science that has been practiced and expanded upon for such a long time?

The religion aspect is played out by one character within the book, Tammy. She was brought up on science and magic but after a horrible period in her life she is converted to a believer. This new found religion is a catalyst for her actions within the book; what she deems appropriate actions to take upon others.

Who is the main character of the book?

One main character is “Red”, a young girl who is born and grows within this new world that is being created. Events that preceded her birth up until the moment an event I cannot tell without ruining the book comes to pass shape her life both directly and indirectly.

The other main character is Ronnie, a young man who is special to the werewolves. He is the son of Tammy and is raised by her newly discovered religious values. He has a monumental decision to make that can change the course of history within this world.

While Ronnie and “Red” are the main characters, the book is not told from their point of views. There are a few chapters dedicated to the world as they view it but most is told from lesser but just as important characters. Tammy (Ronnie’s mother) and Jack (“Red”‘s father) are the main viewpoints of this book.

Are you going to include a lot of the lives of “Red” and Ronnie?

As told by others, yes, at least until they are adults. Here is an insight into my mind: I hate writing kids, especially teenagers.

I was a teenager once, believe it or not, as were most of you. (Some of you still are from what I gather!) I have read and seen many interpretations of teenagers and children over the years and I have hated 99% of them.

Before I go any further, a disclaimer: I do not hate teenagers or children in real life. I just hate them in a literary fashion. Do not take the following to mean that I despise teenagers and wish them to die or any such thing. This point of view is directly from a literary point of view. That said…

Teenagers are the worst by far. Teenagers are creatures that are intelligent and full blown idiots all at the same time. You have never seen the amount of stupid shit they do just to impress a person, whether it be their friends or a member of the sex they like.

They are also light switches. Around parents or other adults they will speak intelligently on topics, using minimal curse words and euphemisms, trying their hardest to prove they are grown up. Once away from authority figures you might as well chuck the brain out the window; every other word is a curse word or something so rude and crude you wonder where the hell they came up with the stuff.

This makes writing teenagers a chore. Within literature you have to make your characters intelligent enough to get their point across, to make sure the reader understands their motivations and importance to the story. This is generally done with the words that come out of their mouth. However, when there is a scene with just teenagers do you generally get real teenagers cussing up a storm or do you get the amalgamation of intelligence with a few curses thrown in for good measure? Can you have a scene full of teenagers that properly combines the two so that their personalities shine through without being disingenuous about the creature themselves?

So how do I get around writing teenagers? I have the adults tell it. Is it cheating? Probably. Does it show a lack of prowess in my writing? Some might think so, but the idea of showing these events through the eyes of adults while keeping the personalities of the teenagers intact would make one think different.

Are there other creatures within the book? You already said NO VAMPIRES.

There are other creatures, some featured prominently, others not so much. There are zombies, but again in a different way than usually portrayed. The zombies in this book only exist within dreams and do not exist within the real world. Think of it this way: you know how people say they talked to their dead mother in their dreams? This happens within the book, but the ghosts that visit the living people in their dreams appear at their current state of decay instead of how they were in life. If a person has been dead in a ditch for five weeks, they are going to be in sorry shape when their loved one has a conversation with them.

Nymphs are alive and well, as are a few other mythical creatures I am not divulging as of yet.

Wait…you said ten years you’ve been writing this? What the hell?

Over ten years, but I haven’t been writing it that long.

Here is what has happened, in short form:

I had the idea and started writing it. Issues of life came up and I ended up with a broken back. I spent almost two years with a broken back before I got it “fixed”, then spent even more time fighting off death itself. (Lost a few times but I still won in the end…so far.) I spent the next four to six years recuperating from those events, doing things such as again learning to walk, talk properly, etc. During that time I was also stoned out of my gourd on painkillers prescribed by my doctors. Six years of life completely stoned is no way to live a life, trust me. I finally decided I’d had enough and quit the painkillers cold turkey and live with the pain. Still do to this day and let me tell you it fucking sucks, no other way to put it.

Once I started writing again I had a massive data loss which included the second draft of the book. Again other events invaded my life and I didn’t really get back to writing it again until earlier this year. I am somewhat glad I had ten years to work on this book as ideas have become more clear to me, as have the characters. It has also afforded me a rare chance for most people trying to write books; instead of spending 18 months or so writing their book I can spend around six months writing it because it has already been written, it just needs to be transcribed and refined now. This is the process I am in at the moment; refining the book. Making sure everything is in the place it should be before it gets sent to a proof-reader and copy-editor.

Yes, ten years, but ten years full of hell with a few highlights that will allow this book to be as good as it can be.

The topic: “What can we do to make sure our childrens is learning? How can the government help?”

The tl;dr answer: “Stop asking for a fucking handout and pay for your crotchfruit to go to school.”

The “how nice of you to stick around” answer:

Schools are always facing budgetary problems. The factors for this range from not enough tax money going to them to teachers’ unions screwing the pooch by keeping bad ones in and shitting good ones out. There is, however, one group that is never blamed that should get some of the blame: parents.

Parents want their little snowflakes to get every opportunity in the world just as long as the parents themselves don’t actually have to pay for it. (Nevermind that they do via taxes, but that is an invisible payment they don’t see taken out of their bank account so that is okay.) If their snowflake doesn’t get those opportunities you can bet your ass they are screaming and yelling at somebody to fix it.

Let me use their tactic for a second: HEY, FUCKHEAD ENTITLED DOUCHE! YEAH, YOU! WHY DON’T YOU CONTRIBUTE TO THE SOLUTION INSTEAD OF CONTINUALLY DROWNING OUT THOSE WHO HAVE ONE? STFU AND GBTW!!!

Here is a solution that, while it wouldn’t cure all the ills, would at least take some of the issues off of the table where it concerns funding.

Here we have a fake school, called “Snowflake Academy”, with 600 students in grades 9-12. Now if each household were to pay, directly to the school, a fee of $20 per child they send to that school per year, the school would garner $12,000. That is enough materials for many required classes to continue.

Now up that amount to $60 per child (which is the amount each school gained from the government when I went to school) and the school garners $36,000 per year.

$100 per child per year? $60,000.

What is the cost of $100 per child per year to the parents?

20 Starbucks = less than one month in a year of not having a Starbucks
5 DVDs = five less movies per year to add to your collection
1 less tank full = one less tank full of premium gas when your car takes regular unleaded

The comparisons can continue forever and a day, but what it comes down to is that over the course of a year a household can afford $100 per child to send them to school. Hell, most parents spend more than that on their snowflake’s wardrobe each school year if you don’t count sneakers.

Some schools do this with sports registration fees, a “pay-to-play” sort of scheme wherein if a child wants to play sports the parents have to help pay for equipment. (My old high school just started this.) So why is there an issue when it comes to educating your child in history, math, english and such and nary a peep when it comes to getting their brains bashed in on a muddy field three times a week?

There are, of course, caveats that will never change, such as those who are at a certain low level of income being exempt from paying this amount for their children to attend school, much like the free lunch programs in place. Yet, it never ceases to amaze me that parents want the best for their children as long as there is no visible sign of money being taken from their bank accounts to accomplish this.

Want to make your kids’ school a better place? Pay. Pay more than your taxes require. Are you better off financially? Pay for someone else’s kid while you’re at it. Make your coffee at home 20 times out of the year, don’t get that McDonald’s every third week of the month, and for fuck’s sake stop shortchanging your children to benefit your pocket book.

His backing puts the amount at 3% full with 35 days to go. I know the backing can hit 100% within that time, all we need is people telling their friends, family, Twitter followers and Facebook people about it. It is simple to do straight from the KickStarter website.

Follow the link to the Backing page for the project, and under the manuscript cover are all the links you need to tell people about the project.

Also, don’t forget to check out Joe Peacock’s site(s). They are linked on the left of every page on this site. Also, check out his self-published books that ended up being big publisher-published.

KickStarter is a cool website where people can post their projects and other people help fund them. This isn’t a loan type program or an investment scheme. What it is is people who like the idea and want to see it succeed then post funds. Funds can be $1 or $1000 or however much they want. Once the needed amount is reached funds are available to the project person and the project gets completed.

The cool thing is the reward system. Any person who donates a certain amount or more gets a reward. As you can see by clicking through my link I am offering rewards all the way up to myself cooking you a dinner and hosting you+1 for a night.

What does this mean? It means that the donors actually care about the project or want it to succeed, not about their investment. Sure, they get the perks offered for the increment amounts, but they get the knowledge they helped something come to fruition that might never have happened before.

So go ahead and check out the site. Each project is vetted by the site staff so you aren’t going to get the spam/scam shit you would usually get on sites like this. Feel free to drop something into the coffer while you are there.

This is very much a regional thing as if you go to the Southern States it is all called “Coke”, but here in Minnesota it is called “pop”. I still get weird looks when I ask “what soda do you have?” at a restaurant.

2. Turn signals are not installed in cars by default.

All vehicles in Minnesota are, by default, turn signal-less. It is the only way to explain how 99% of the population here does not use one at any time before, during, or after a turn. You’re lucky if you even get to see the person turning into your lane before you have to slam on your brakes.

3. Everyone has a death wish while walking.

Crosswalks are a waste of taxpayer money in this state. No one uses them, and if by some miracle they do they do not use them at the appropriate time as designated by the “walk/don’t walk” signal across the street. Nothing like a game of “OMG GONNA KILL SOMEBODY” during the winter months with 1.5 inches of ice on the roads.

4. Speed Limits are not even suggestions.

Speed limit signs are written in a foreign language in these here parts; no one can read what they say so they go whatever speed they feel is appropriate. 85mph in a 30mph zone? “Pssh…I saw no sign saying I COULDN’T!!!”

5. One rain drop instantly turns you and your driving insane.

This is true just about anywhere but even more so here. One drop of rain falls out of the sky and all hell breaks loose on the roadways. Do yourself a favor and just pull over then jump off a bridge if a fucking snowflake falls on someone’s windshield; that’s a sign of Armageddon.

6. Four way stops are a “four cars enter, one car tests your brakes” situation.

It is required by state law to outfit your vehicle with steel spikes and ram bars so that you may destroy any person who thinks they have the right of way at a four way stop.

7. STOP signs actually say “ROLL”.

You don’t have to stop at a STOP sign for any reason because the letters S-T-O-P actually read as R-O-L-L here in Minnesota. You are completely within your rights to slow down until you are a car length behind the actual stop line then hit the accelerator to blast through. You are also a Communist if you don’t ride someone’s ass through a STOP sign.

8. Bus drivers know they have the right of way.

The right to push you out of the way, as we all know they can’t let the bus go below 50 mph.

9. Grocery Shopping is the #1 cause of suicides statewide.

It doesn’t matter what store you go to as you will find them all; the old lady and her basement dwelling adult son who take 20 minutes to compare each can of diced tomatoes, the person in produce who rides your ass sighing while you pick out your bell peppers, even the loudly obnoxious person grabbing items and throwing them back on the wrong shelf.

The two worst? The “family” who believes the store is a playground for their crotch fruit and the person who parks their cart on one side of the aisle while they stand in the middle, bent over in a forward tackle stance, peering at the price of ramen on the other side of the aisle while trying to decide between 20¢ for Pork and 20¢ for Beef.

The day murder is legal shopping will be a satisfying experience in Minnesota.

10. Seasoning in food is the devil, Bobby Bouché.

Soaking fish in toxic lye for six weeks then eating it is fine, but don’t you fucking dare put anything that might make your taste-buds wake up on or in food. You WILL be shunned.

11. Taco Bell = Mexican Food, KFC = Fried Chicken

Don’t bother opening a Muchas Gracias or a Popeye’s; they don’t take kindly to your kind ’round ‘ere.

12. All hospitals are killing babies.

There is no arguing this point as you are wrong, and they may just perform a 90th trimester abortion on your ass. The hospitals are killing babies and the only thing you can do about it is protest while parking on Government owned land, using your disabled placard to not pay the parking fee, and you MUST dress like a monk to emphasize your point.

13. You must be aggressive in your passive-aggressiveness.

You must go out of your way to show that you are being passive-aggressive, otherwise known as “Minnesota Nice”. If you don’t let people know you are being a dick they won’t realize you’re being a dick.

Here are a few things that business minded people need to learn to be taken seriously with their internet efforts. This is from experience as a business man, as a web designer, and as a consumer. You’d think this would be brain-dead, “duh” type stuff yet you’d be surprised how many people do not know or do not follow these simple instructions.

1. Buy A Domain Name & Real Hosting

There are tons of free hosting services out there that will give you a domain name like www.freehostingguys.com/user/bobsbigbodegas and allow you to host your site there. There are also a lot of professional hosting services that allow free, minimal hosting where you can use an actual domain name.

The importance of a domain name is paramount; it is the branding of your business or your product online. Do you think Amazon, eBay, or Facebook just said “eh, let’s use a free host to save a few bucks” and rolled into millions? No, they spent the money on an actual domain name and actual hosting.

A domain name is also important in your advertising. When you are at a trade show or meeting a new client on the road, you don’t want www.freehostingguys.com/user/bobsbigbodegas on your vinyl sign or business cards. It is too hard for most people to remember and it comes off as unprofessional. You will run into the same problem with radio and TV ads with a domain of that caliber. Something akin to www.bobsbigbodegas.com will get you much further.

Speaking of unprofessional appearances….

2. Use Your Domain Name’s e-mail Address

You’ve purchased your domain name and hosting. Now you are ready to print up your business cards and other advertising literature. Great! There’s just one big problem…

Your planning on using your aol.com, hotmail.com, gmail.com, yahoo.com or other.com email address. Stop right now, close up shop, and go get a job.

While those domain names are great for personal stuff (although anything but gmail.com should be seriously reconsidered) you have access to a powerful email address through your hosting and domain name: you@yourdomain.com

The importance of a domain name is spelled out above but the fact you can use you@yourdomain.com is just as high. It not only means you get it, but it also helps your clients and prospective clients to easily remember your email address. steve@houseofsteaks.com is a lot easier to remember then steveshouseofsteaks@gmail.com, plus it appears more professional on business cards and literature.

Your domain hosting will give you at least a POP3 account and most hosts are now offering IMAP accounts. (POP3 is access and download to local machine, IMAP is access and download but also keep a copy on the server.) If your host offers IMAP accounts set one up so that you can access it and all of your email from anywhere from any computer.

3. Hire A Web Designer (and pay them)

So your cousin’s daughter’s brother’s roommate is a whiz with computers and has offered to build your website for $100. Good job, you just lost all of your web business, now go shoot yourself in the head.

While this site isn’t anything to special to look at (cobbler’s son and all of that), it is also free because I built it. Other sites I build? They look hundreds of times better because I was paid to build it.

Saving money on web design is not something you want to do too much of. Sure, there are companies who will charge you $5000 to build a website and pump out shit while down the street there is a college kid who will build you an amazing site for $300. The problem with that previous sentence is that both are extremes; most companies will work with you on a professional website deal to fit your budget while a lot of college kids will make a passable site but not exactly what you wanted.

What you want and need is either someone or some company who does know what they are doing and has reasonable rates. Set aside at least $1000 for web design if you want a competent site, even more if you want a form of e-commerce built in.

Show your designer sites you like but not sites you want to emulate. Point out design or technical aspects you enjoy and would want to incorporate (barring IP theft) into your site. The designer will work with you to build a look and feel that suits you and your business.

A crappy site, whether it cost $5000 or $300, is still a crappy site.

4. Don’t Build Your Site Yourself

Look, I know you got a great deal on FrontPage or Dreamweaver. I know that one site offers you an online tool to create an “SEO Optimized e-Commerce enabled turn key site”. I know you think you can do this yourself and you probably could if given enough time. Problem is that you are reading this and skipped over #3.

I made this a separate section because it is important enough to warrant it. Unless you know the coding languages, the proper way to place elements on a page, the right way to optimize a site, don’t think that you can just sit down with software and build it yourself. Many web designers have spent many years learning and honing their craft. We know this stuff inside and out and if we don’t we learn new technologies and languages rather quickly. It is said that every person should learn a second language; this is our second language.

5. Input Is Desired, Trust Is Paramount

We can’t build your site without your input or your information. When we say “we can meet deadline x as long as we get all information by deadline y” we mean it. We aren’t going to steal information from a competitor for you. We aren’t going to create information for you; we don’t know your business and we wouldn’t do it justice. You know your business and we know ours.

Trust us. You want people to trust you and your business and we need the same courtesy extended to us. We aren’t going to steal your ideas, we aren’t going to open a competing business, we ARE going to build your site for you.

With that I close this little informational session. The first three entries are very much important for any person wanting to bring their business to the web, while the last two entries are very serious suggestions if you want your site built in a timely and professional manner.

Remember: you have to spend money to make money.

HOWEVER…..

When one comes by something like this, one can’t help but bang their head against the desk repeatedly and with each thud ask, “WHY? WHY? WHY?”

To be fair: I am sure this guy has a great idea for his book. I am sure it could be a great coming of age and self-exploration novel for teenage girls everywhere.

To be honest: HOLY RACISM, BATMAN!!! Outside of that the formatting is completely atrocious (although that might be the fault of Amazon/CreateSpace for the non-justified paragraphs, not that there are many there to begin with), the characters change speaking styles faster than a rabbit fathering children, the descriptive portions of the speech always come AFTER the speech itself even though most of them belong before the speech with that style of writing, and those descriptors belong in paragraphs by themselves leading into the speech.

Those are all horrid unto themselves but if you are able to get to the second page there, down at the bottom, you will see that the narrative itself changes from a third person to a first person point of view without any inclination. Either we are watching the scene unfold or we are immersed in one person’s point of view for that scene, not both. The only way to get both is to have clear changes in perspective which is something any creative writing instructor will beat you senseless for trying to do. (I admit that I do it, and am doing it as of now in my manuscript, but I have those magical segues that allow the change in perspective to come about without ruining the narrative.)

Go ahead, click through to page three. We get haphazard internal dialog from whom we assume is the main character. This is a random stream of thoughts that go right into a bastardized version of a prayer which leads to more internal dialog, which again switches to some prayer stuff that is mixed with internal dialog.

The fun part? This book, from what I can gleam through that little preview chapter, is about a white girl named Shaniqua who talks and acts black. A topical subject to be sure what with all the suburban white kids trying to act black and make black culture their own. (Not a bad thing for cultures to mix and become one as it is just a part of life in this country called the United States of America.) While that may be offensive to some what should be really offensive is that both parents are….WHITE! Two white parents named their daughter Shaniqua and then the mother, in a way that alludes to her thinking the reason her white daughter is acting black, wonders why the parents ever named her this. To add on to this travesty is that on the first page the mother tells her white daughter with a black first name to not act like “those Negro girls on 24th street”, saying they are “up to no good”.

To quote Charlie Brown: ARRRRGGHHHH!!!

Before anybody goes all “reverse-racism, dickhead” on me, let me explain why that is just plain racist (outside of the fact ‘reverse-racism’ doesn’t exist because all racism is racist). Shaniqua IS an African-American name according to this site. It says:

In African-American, the name Shaniqua means- A version of the name Shanika, meaning G-d is gracious.. The name Shaniqua orginated as an African-American name. The name Shaniqua is most often used as a girl name or female name.

There is also this site, which does include user submitted meanings which are racist unto themselves, which says:

African word which means, “the meaning of the name Shaniqua comes from the root shani and means warrior princess.”

(Of course, this is the internet, so don’t believe everything you read but looking through tens of twenties of Google links the consensus is about the same.)

Here comes the usage this “author” has used in his “book”, Urban Dictionary style:

(n.) a common name used to mock/describe a Black woman from the inner city…this name would include all of the stereotypes: long fake braids, big butt, ghetto voice

A steoreotypical name for young women living in the hood or ghetto.The common Shaniqua has a weave that is so cheap it looks like plastic,or very long thick braids.She wear extremely tight and short clothing topped of with ridiculously lond heels. Other attributes include:long nails,husky/shrill iritating voice,4 children with different fathers.

1. The ghettoest of ghetto names.
2. A stereotypical name used to refer to loud, ghetto African-American females.
3. Referenced in the movie Bringing Down the House and the song Shaniqua by Little T

To connect the dots:

1. Two white parents name their white daughter Shaniqua
2. The mother tells her daughter not to act like the “Negros on 24th street” because they are “up to no good”.
3. The mother wonders aloud, to her daughter that she agreed to name, why the parents named their daughter Shaniqua in the first place.

The author is trying to use middle class white people to show the stereotypical “ghetto” black person, using the name Shaniqua as the catalyst, positing that the name itself is a reason why stereotypical “ghetto blacks” act the way they do. This is nothing more than using racism to explain racism but in a highly offensive manner.

Not only does this do a huge disservice to any human being on the planet it does a disservice to us authors who self-publish. It is the kind of trash and this kind of crap that is poorly written, poorly executed, and using stereotypical characters that can’t even reach caricature status that most people associate with self-publishing. It becomes a bad rap for all authors who choose this method of getting their works out.

When a person reads something like the linked preview they tend to automatically assume that all self-published books are of the same caliber, and don’t think the big publisher don’t pounce on that. The big publishers love self-published books for two main reasons; they can weed out the crap without having had to go through their slush pile because us readers have done it for them, and it gives unwarranted credence to their published works.

Yes, the big publishers do tend to pick the cream of the crop of the submissions they receive, which reflects just how many shit manuscripts they actually do receive if something like Twilight can past muster. That is a point I can concede and am happy to do so, as they are a business and need to make money, and to do so they need something that will sell. This is an area where self-publishing cannot compete because we are inundated with books like the linked one and to find a good to great self-published book is a needle in a haystack situation.

The internet isn’t helping this situation either. I have yet to see a central hub or even a website that is dedicated to nothing but promoting good to great self-published material. A place where experienced industry people such as editors, reviewers, and even the normal reader can express their opinions about a self-published work (without being paid for it). No, Amazon reviews don’t count, and here is why: the internet is also anonymous. Amazon has their “REAL NAME” badge available but a person can choose not to use it and even if they did it wouldn’t stop them from complaining about a product. Any person can write any thing they wish to write on the internet and most use it to hate. Think of any computer site forum you have ever been on. Now try to remember the last time you saw more than two posts that were something positive about the product you were discussing.

Don’t bother because I am not going to wait for the answer as it would take too long.

Is there an answer to this problem? Not really. Both Amazon’s CreateSpace and Lulu offer reviews from “industry professionals” for more money than it costs to have your manuscript printed-on-demand by them. Even if the review says “UTTER SHIT” a person with the goal of publishing their manuscript will denounce those reviews and still publish and promote. A person can even go to Kinko’s or a local printing place and have their books printed in bulk; the printing place doesn’t care about quality of writing one bit. I used to work for one and some of the shit that passed out of there would astound you.

The only advice I can give a reader, whether they be an avid one or a casual one, is that when they read a crappy self-published book like the one linked above is to not push that feeling upon the rest of us in the self-published field. A lot of us put actual time into their manuscripts. We do research, we spend hours each day putting our hearts and ideas into the work we do. We pay for copy editing, proof reading, more copy editing and more proof reading, we sometimes even pay graphic artists to create our covers and interior art if we need it.

I do implore you to post a negative review on the crap you just pushed yourself to suffer through, but I also ask that you post if not a glorious review at least a positive one for the good to great self-published books you read. Try to make it a habit to tell your friends about the good to great self-published books you have read and reserve the negative ones for when they ask specifically about them.

It is always easier to bitch about something bad. It takes effort to praise something good.

PDF (184k)

Don’t mind the grammatical errors. I just noticed a few of them while previewing the file (to make sure it was linked properly this time) and have fixed them for print readiness.

This treat is not for foodies. If you are that much of a food snob that you MUST roast your own tomatoes, cook and cut your own artichoke hearts…then go ahead and do it. While you are still waiting the rest of us will be eating.

As a note: I rarely measure anything. I eye it 99% of the time. I will give some instructions and weights/measurements as I go, but don’t expect an usual recipe here.

Your Implements of Destruction:

Knife, knife, can opener.

You will need a good, sharp knife for cutting. You will also need a bread knife, for cutting. A good can opener is also very handy for this. A cutting board is essential.

Baking tray

You will also want a very good baking tray, something that is easily cleaned afterwards and can accept heats up to 500º.

Bowl and Brush

A small bowl and a brush of some sort. I would suggest a silicon brush for this instead of a hair brush.

Another knife and a SPOOOOOOON

This knife is a cheese knife (otherwise known as a lettuce knife) and a regular tablespoon. You don’t really need the cheese knife but it makes life easier.

Grate it, just grate it...make into tiny bits and heat it

A grater is important. You could always be lazy and use a food processor, but then you are lazy.

The one other item you will need is a good strainer. This isn’t pictured by itself but will make an appearance later on in this post.

How to make Da Bomb

Here are the ingredients you are going to need. You can substitute as you see fit but I don’t suggest it.

Generic is just as good

A good take & bake ciabatta can be purchased at your local bakery. A block of mozzarella can be purchased at your grocer or butcher shop. Basil you should have on hand.

Uncanny

Extra Virgin Olive Oil (debatable these days), small artichoke hearts, and diced fire roasted tomatoes (the Hunt’s ones are fantastic). The most expensive portion of this is the artichoke hearts (around $4.00) while the tomatoes are $1.00 or less. For ultimate taste make sure they are of the roasted variety. You can also get the tomatoes with garlic added, but I like controlling the amount of garlic put into my food.

Popeye would be proud

Fresh spinach will be needed. If you use frozen spinach the ghost of Bluto will come and rape your Olive Oil, then it won’t be extra virgin anymore.

Preparation

Here is where you start putting all of those toys and foods together into a cacophony.

First, preheat your oven to 375º, otherwise you will be waiting around staring at it.

Next use your big bread knife to cut the ciabatta in half lengthwise. I had pictures of this but accidentally deleted them, and just now noticed I deleted them.

Doughy Circumcision

^^^That will be the end result of cutting the ciabatta in half. I do suggest putting the cut halves onto the baking tray and assembling the goodness there; it cuts down on messes and makes it oven ready when done.

oiiiilllll.....OIIIIILLLL

Pour a small amount of olive oil into the small bowl. The amount above is just about the perfect amount. (Did I mention that clicking on the pictures will allow you to see larger versions of them?)

Stick it in

Make sure to wet the brush properly with the olive oil. If you do not you will not be able to spread it properly on the ciabatta.

Steeee-roke

Steeeeeeee-roke

As you can see, the ciabatta insides are porous. You will need to make sure that the olive oil covers the raised portions as well as some of the deeper portions of the caverns inherent to the bread. Make sure you brush across both pieces evenly. DO NOT soak the bread in olive oil, else it will not crisp properly.

Who cut the cheese?

Remember that cool cheese knife? Now is the time to use it. The cheese block above is a 2lb block. If you are using a 1lb block you will want about half of it, 1/3 for the 2lb.

Shredding is more than something you do on a skateboard

Using the grater, shred that shit. I use the bigger shred as it is easier to gauge coverage of the ciabatta than using the small shred. Make sure to shred the whole block and eat the last portion; you look like you could use a little dairy in your diet.

I need cover here....COVER!

Make sure to cover the ciabatta well. The above is before it was done, but you want to make sure that the cheese will melt nicely to cover the bread.

Drain your heart(s) of fluid

Here is the missing strainer. This is a nice small (tiny even) slot hand strainer that fits perfectly to hover over our sink. Don’t be afraid to dump the whole can in the strainer and let them sit for a bit for excess juice to leave the hearts.

What else would you use a can opener for?

Open the can of fire roasted tomatoes. DO NOT STRAIN THEM. You want the juices from this.

Campbell's isn't even this MMMmmm good

I know I could just skip these last two pictures and get to the point, but these tomatoes are too good to not show off. Best canned tomatoes ever.

SPOOOOON REDUX

Use that tablespoon and put the tomatoes on top of the mozzarella. Try to get even coverage, and don’t be afraid to use that juice in the can; it will seep down into the holes of the bread where the olive oil is and create a nice taste pocket.

Arrrr.....me hearties

Once you have covered both halves of the ciabatta with wonderful fire roasted tomatoes, bring your time strained artichoke hearts over to your cutting board.  See how nice they look? Go ahead and eat one; you have more than enough for the ciabatta.

Piercing me hearties

Slice four of those bad boys up. I cut them like I cut a tomato and use my fingers to separate them for the ciabatta. Works better for me that way. Preserve the rest in a Ziploc bag or eat them.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Using the image above as a guide you can see the layout of the tomatoes and the artichoke hearts you killed. Four small artichoke hearts will give you a great amount of coverage on the bread halves, any more and I would say it would be overpowering.

Bluto's Revenge

After washing the fresh spinach thoroughly, place it on your cutting board and chop the shit out of it. I usually hold with one hand and cut vertically, then switch and hit the horizontal. Gets a nice criss-cross action going on.

Does anyone have the name Basil anymore? Someone should name their kid that.

I also lost the picture of placing the spinach but I am sure you know how to do that. After you place the spinach, bring out the basil and sprinkle it on top of everything. Not too much or it will overpower the taste of everything. A light sprinkle across both halves will suffice.

Kill It With Fire

Kill it with (fake) fire

Place that bitch on the center rack. If you don’t have a center rack, move one of your racks to the center. You might want to use an oven glove, seeing as how your oven should be heated to 375º by now. If it isn’t; you don’t follow directions well, do you?

You will be baking this for about 10 minutes. If you are using a propane oven, not only am I jealous, but you should adjust your cooking time accordingly. Don’t forget to set a timer to remember to take it out.

The finished product

Doesn’t that look tasty? THAT is what an orgasm in your mouth looks like when you look at food porn. Here, have a close up:

Got the shot, Mr. DeMille?

Get your hands off of the screen! Not only are you dirtying your screen but you can’t eat it through the screen.

Next and final step is to cut and plate the thing. Remember that big ass wonderful bread knife from earlier? Hope you didn’t put it in the dishwasher cause that is perfect for cutting these things.

Move a half onto the cutting board and cut into four pieces with the knife. These four pieces will feed two average Americans and 20 Ethiopians. The whole amount will feed four average Americans and end poverty in a third world country.

TA and DA. You now have learned how to make a great, tasty snack that can double as a dinner or a brunch. They also preserve well in airtight containers for next day nom-noming at work.

To close, have some more food porn shots. Your tongue will thank you to for the foodgasm.

Plated

Plated close-up

Plated angle

Let me know what changes you make to it, if any. I also wouldn’t mind feedback in the comments or on Twitter. Your food porn would be appreciated as well.

The problem is that I have no way of making them come true and someone else will think of them long before I get a chance. Therefore I am instituting a “whenever the need arises” post on this here blog for random bits of thought that I need to put down and share with the world.

1. Stephen Moyer from True Blood needs to be on Saturday Night Live. Some cast member needs to play Snookie from Jersey Shore, and a skit must be made as if Snookie was Sookie just so that the pun of how “Bill” says her name can be made with Snookie.

You can't tell me a five minute sketch of this wouldn't be hilarious.

2. HBO is great at TV and mini-series. Hollywood and ABC are generally sucky when it comes to adapting Stephen King novels. Therefore there needs to be at least a five season series titled “Tales from Maine” that centers around the books and short stories King has written about the towns of Derry and Castle Rock, Maine.

This way we as fans can enjoy correctly done versions of the stories with all the blood, gore, cussing, and horror that is included in the works themselves without the need for network or MPAA censors. Since the towns of Derry and Castle Rock are close to each other in King’s world, and many of the characters from each town know and visit each other, this would be a grand series to behold.

We could finally get a version of IT that doesn’t cut out the backstories of the children and we could finally see an adaptation of Insomnia.

Stephen King himself has put Castle Rock and Derry closer together than they are to Jerusalem’s Lot on his official map:

Map of Maine (according to Stephen King)

There are a lot of stories from these two towns that have either never been told in cinematic form or have been told horribly. Add in the continuity in actors and actresses we would get with a show and King’s universe would really come alive this time around.

3. An HBO series made based on Piers Anthony’s Incarnation of Immortality series. Again, this is a set of books that has a lot of sex, magic, murder, and deals with themes that networks and films won’t dare touch without serious censoring. (HBO really is the best place for these type of projects.)

Excising Under A Velvet Cloak from the series (that was really a weak book compared to the rest) would make the finality of it all come together perfectly in a seven season series. The interweaving of the stories told in this series of novels would lend an interesting choice in casting, as throughout the whole series the Incarnations stay the same but the people in the office change.

If you have never read the series here is an example:

Incarnation of Time: the incarnation is there throughout, but the person inhabiting the office changes within their lifespan.

Incarnation of Fate: three women inhabit the body at once, and they change out when a situation on Earth is too irresistible for themselves.

The play on this, throughout a long series, would see an ensemble cast that changes from season to season that fits within the scope of the narrative. When certain events unfold in the latter seasons those who played the aspects early on would be brought back into those roles.

CAUTION: SPOILERS!!!!

Yeah, some of this might ruin the story. Well, not the whole thing, but a somewhat big event in the manuscript. It won’t ruin how it happened, but it will ruin what happened and to whom. So read at your own risk.

PDF: 63kb

No ePub this time. The formatting on it was horrid last time…

ePub Format: 8kb

PDF format: 44kb

I am not sure if the ePub format will work as this is my first time using it. It should work on any device that supports the ePub format such as the iPhone, iPod Touch, and iPad. Other devices such as the Nook support ePub. Kindle, at this time, does not support ePub from what I have been able to research.

Barring all of that, enjoy the short taste I have put up. It is still rough stages in that section but it is the only section I have that is spoilerish without giving away the big reveal.

Thoughts and comments are accepted through here and on Twitter.

I enjoy the stuff that passes in this country as well as the real stuff made in China, Japan, and other various countries that we as Americans can’t begin to pronounce correctly. I have eaten large dinners at the homes of various Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese and Korean families made by those who have been making that food their entire lives. Nothing beats the real stuff. Ever.

Except……

….you don’t get the fortune cookies with that food. Those delectable little pieces of crisp cookie that were introduced by the Japanese, popularized by the Chinese, but ultimately are consumed by Americans. We as Americans have come to expect fortune cookies with any Oriental meal we devour. We laugh when reading the fortunes inside, adding “between the sheets” at the end of each one as it is read, and leave the restaurant without tipping properly because we know “Tipping” isn’t a city in China.

Throughout my life, and the many hundreds of fortunes I have read, I have had two fortunes that have been quite apropos to either the current situation or a future situation I hope to be in.

The first took place when I still lived within the confines of the State of Oregon. I was a board member of the SMUG (Salem Macintosh Users Group) and we met once a month at a Chinese restaurant to hold our board meeting. I had just finished a stint at The Mac Store as a CSR/Service Tech and was quite known throughout both Salem and the Mac community as “the man” who had the answers.

The meeting drew to a close, at which time we normally paid our checks and jaunted across town to attend the larger group meeting, when we were presented with those yummy wrapped morsels of truth. We all decided to check our fortunes and read them aloud; I elected to go last.

As my turn came I cracked that cookie and released the strip of paper. Upon it were printed these words:

At first the group was silent, then erupted in smiles and applause. They, too, knew the irony of that message.

Imagine the surprise today when I had not eaten any Asian Cuisine at all, but went to the bank. The wife and I had decided life would be a bit easier if I was a joint holder on her bank account, so we went about to make it so.

We approached the teller and told her of our intent, at which time she went forth upon the task we had set. Standing there talking to my wife and the teller I happened to gaze upon the floor. I noticed a small strip of paper in front of my feet and recognized it as a fortune from those cookies.

I have better than 20/20 eyesight so I was able to read it from that distance easily, but I had to share in the discovery and decided to pick it up and return to my home with it.

I have always been, among jobs that I take as I require money to pay for bills, a writer. From poetry to short stories, from articles in newspapers and magazines to novels as yet to be published. I have written just about anything that could or can be written in just about any medium that it can be seen in. Sometimes I get paid, sometimes I do it as a favor, but all times I do it because I love it. It is my true calling in life and I have known this since around the third grade.

Imagine the surprise, the elation even, when I spied this fortune upon the ground as if it were waiting for myself to find it:

I will never delude myself into thinking I will be the greatest writer in the world or even the State I live in now, but that type of fortune came at just the right time to make me smile. To reassure me, even if it wasn’t directly meant for me, that I can finally get these novels out to the world and at least some people will enjoy them. That my feeling from those long gone years is correct.

I am a writer; I’m not the best and I’m not the worst but I am what I want to be.

“The Kindle and iPad are going to change the way people consume literature while making it easier for authors to publish their forever rejected manuscripts” is pretty much the self-aggrandizing shit that is coming out of the mouth of the blogosphere and the respected sources that discuss literary merit.

Even a cursory look at a few of this year’s self-publishing themed articles would give an aspiring author pause. Over at Salon you have one of the founders telling people that they are going to become the new, unpaid interns that shuffle through the slush pile, the difference being that instead of it being mountains of paper it is going to be mountains of printed-on-demand bound paper. On Fark.com you have a thread linking to an article about a journalist who self-published, albeit with a known scam POD service, and the comments in the thread are enough to dash a person’s hopes.

(To be fair, I am a Farker, have been for years. The site itself is setup for the ultimate in snark coming from those who post comments there so one has to take things with a grain of salt. Make that a shaker of salt. Yet, Fark is also a close knit community in ways and people there tend to value the opinions of the others posting. While some of the comments in that thread are outright wrong in their perception there is also enough coming from the book snobs and published authors who frequent the site and seem to hate the idea of self-publishing on principal itself.)

Then there are the articles that tout how one person rose from obscurity and had their dreams realized by self-publishing, yet are written in such a way that you can’t help but not feel for the person. It feels like they are talking down to you because even though they were beat within an inch of their lives by the publisher’s gatekeepers they made their way through the desolate terrain and managed to find success, which in their tone would seem an impossible task for anyone but them.

Zetta Elliot’s two articles on Huffington Post (here and here) are a perfect study in contrast. In the first one she espouses the last paragraph up there, how she (and I don’t deny this as I don’t know her) worked so damned hard to get things published that when she went the self-publishing route it was a revelation, yet you get the feeling that she couldn’t care less whether you actually accomplish this feat.

Her second article seems to have come from the realization that she might have come off as too strong of a “not give a shit” in her first article and offers tips to self-publishers. Those tips include “self-published books have a stigma”, “set up a blog” (cause who doesn’t have one of those these days?), “be professional”, and “network”. The last few on the list are pretty much redundant.

She makes good points in her second article (which a buddy of mine wrote so much better on his blog) but also some things that should be common sense. You can’t sell anything if you are not professional, and if you are selling an unproven product you need to network your ass off unless you are working retail. The biggest point she makes is that self-published books do come with a stigma, a somewhat “common knowledge” that they are shit and don’t amount to anything because they didn’t come from a big publisher.

While that it is true to a point the other edge of that sword is that the big publishers are pushing this idea. I doubt they created it but why would they not use it as a weapon against a changing era of publishing? You can almost see a comical representation of a publishing house editor sitting in his leather chair, leaning back as he ponders the Fabergé egg on his judge’s desk, telling a reporter “Our shit goes through such rigorous demands that all of it is good. Self-published? Bah, anyone can do that, and they do. We are quality, they are quantity.”

The problem with this stigma is that it is bullshit, at least in the way it is presented to the book buying public. Beatrix Potter wrote Peter Rabbit as a get well letter to a five year old and by the time she was done had a full on book that she had submitted to publishers, and was rejected by each one of them. It wasn’t until she self-published the book that the publisher’s took notice, got her on contract, and the rest is history.

If you think that was a fluke check these out; Mark Twain self-published Huck Finn, Edgar Allen Poe self-published Tamerlane and Other Poems, and Tolstoy (tl;dr) self-published War and Peace. What do all of those have in common? They are considered literary masterpieces yet each of them were either rejected by publishers or in the case of Twain rejected before the publisher got it. (Twain was fed up with the shit his publisher had been pulling on his manuscripts and decided to tell them to pound sand.)

The book buying public has been fed a load of shit for so long about self-published books when some of the greatest literary accomplishments in history started that way. Even to this day many of the books you have likely purchased from a big publisher started life as a self-published book. Shadowmancer by Graham Taylor was a self-published book that was eventually bought by a big publisher and then he sold the movie rights for over $4 million. Does that sound like something for the slush pile of self-published books?

I am not naive in any way, shape or form. I know that there is more dreck out there than there is gold. When a book series like Twilight can be published by a big publisher and turned into a multi-million dollar franchise it makes you realize just how awful a lot of the manuscripts in the world really are, and yet one can’t help but think that there are a lot of great manuscripts out there that haven’t been discovered.

Writing is not easy, especially when you are writing a manuscript. Whether it be non-fiction or fiction, autobiographical or technical, writing a manuscript is a pain in the ass. There are long hours just to get the story out, then even longer hours going through each word and sentence to edit it into a crafted tale. From there you will have one or two more editing sessions before you even get to the point of hiring a copy editor who will suggest even more edits. (Hire a copy editor, no matter how good of a technical writer you are, as they will save your soul.) From there you have cover design, ISBN purchasing and so much more. It is not a task for someone who doesn’t have the drive to stick to the task as it is going to take over your life.

Along with so much of the world telling a person to not bother writing anything because they are going to be shot down, to not bother publishing it themselves because they aren’t going to make any money or garner an audience, it is a wonder that any books are now published at all. It takes the ones who I like to think I am a part of; the ones who won’t accept “no” as an answer, who when rejected say “fuck you” and go back to editing to make the manuscript even better. The ones who no matter what have a dream or an idea that they must see come to fruition. The ones that no matter the vitriol thrown at them will stand firm and say, “your opinion is valid, but it only makes me a better writer in the end.”

While the road to self-publishing is full of assholes who want nothing more than to exploit you, to bring you down, to prevent you from doing that which your heart desires, just remember them as you pass on by as they are the ones standing outside of the gates clamoring to be let in while you are enjoying the fruits of your labors. They are the ones who will deride the next dreamer to come down that road, trying to derail their path, while you will be a light beckoning that traveler to stay their course and head straight for the promised land.

The following are two more possible designs for the cover of the manuscript. I know you aren’t even supposed to think of the cover until the end but a person can’t delve deep into this without thinking about it, and they also can’t help but take a break from pounding keys all day to give their mouse a workout.

Check these out and leave feedback either here or on Twitter. All feedback is appreciated.

(There is a tiny hint to what is going on in that tagline down there.)

Mommy! The Gacy girl is touching me...

Seriously, I will kill you...

Here is a much better look at the design concept. Not all elements have been placed as of yet, but you can get the general idea.

Please don't touch me, Ms. Gacy

Any and all feedback is welcome either in the comments or on Twitter.

With that said which would you rather have: a series of novellas or one long novel?

Before you get to the poll for voting allow a bit of explanation.

Scenario: a writer has a novel length manuscript. The manuscript has a steady stream of flashbacks that require steady reading and understanding, as the main elements of the story are told in flashbacks until a certain point. You have to remember certain elements from 100-200 pages back so that 400-600 pages in you know what is going on.

The manuscript is also set in such a way to have three acts with various amounts of chapters in each act. Each act is self-contained but may involve or recall events from previous acts.

With that somewhat vague description added please vote below. This will change the outcome of a work in progress.

If you have an great idea for another option in the poll let me know and I will add it.

Probably why we love them so much. :)

Hit the link below to see a very interesting Robbie The Rabbit cosplay.

For those who don’t know, Robbie The Rabbit has become the defacto mascot for the Silent Hill series of games.

[画像]:ワンダーフェスティバル 2010[夏] のコスプレ.

Who can forget the scene in Reservoir Dogs where Stuck In The Middle With You by Steeler’s Wheel plays while Mr. Blonde tortures Marvin? That scene changed the feeling of that song for many people, forever.

But what happens when a song is used to great effect but that song isn’t what you think it is? More often than not thanks to the power of editing a filmmaker can chop up a song and make it fit the story they are telling.

The following five songs have all been in movies since they were released in one form or another. Some more than others, and in the case of Elvis pretty much just once that matters, but they have all been taken as being something they are not; songs that are meant to uplift, songs that are meant to be cheery or goofy, songs that are meant to be campy. Their lyrics, however, tell a different story…..

Jailhouse Rock by Elvis Presley

Elvis, long considered the “King of Rock n Roll”, was huge. There is no denying that. He was also considered the epitome of macho, a man’s man.

So why did Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller write a song that had homosexual overtones, and why did Elvis record it?

In the long storied history of the United States there have been many penal systems. Up until the end of the Revolutionary War prisons were mixed gender, which then gave way to male only prisons and women’s reformatories. Mixed gender prisons would not come back into effect until later in the 20th century. During the time of Jailhouse Rock prisons that housed males were male only, while women had their own prisons.

Why then are the lyrics in the song as follows:

Number forty-seven said to number three
“You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see”
“I sure would be delighted with your company”

Even in the film of the same name #47 and #3 are depicted as males. There was a slightly big uproar about this at the time of release of the film, yet it seems to have gone to the wayside. (Not that that is a bad thing, mind you.) Back in that era being homosexual was almost as bad as being non-white, yet here was “The King” singing a song about two male jailbirds nesting together. Add that with him “sounding Negro” and singing “Negro music” one is surprised the bigots didn’t burn the whole damned country down.

The actual portion of the song:

Kind of a Drag by The Buckinghams

One of the most endearing pop songs to ever come out it is also one of the more upbeat sounding songs of earlier rock and roll.

When heard it would seem like just any another break-up song where the singer is pining over a love gone wrong and lost. When used in movies (this one is kind of a rarity in movie soundtracks) the song tends to be used right after the break-up, showing a montage of how horrible and lonely the male is without the female.

Again, the lyrics betray a different tone to the song. The way the song is sung is that the lead singer sings the forlorn parts while the backup singers are rambling off thoughts in the man’s mind. When the song is played in a movie it is edited and usually used quickly; some of the musical arrangement and a portion of the easy to remember chorus.

Listen closely to what the background singers are saying:

Did you miss it? Here are the lyrics:

Kind of a drag when your baby don’t love you,
Kind of a drag when you know she’s been untrue.

Oh, listen
(LISTEN TO ME WHEN I’M SPEAKIN’,'CAUSE YOU KNOW THE WORDS I’M MAKIN’)
to what I’ve gotta say;
(AND I KNOW THAT YOU’VE BEEN CHEATIN’, OH, I HOPE THAT WE’LL BE MEETIN’)
Girl, I still love you,
(OOH, I STILL LOVE YOU.)
I’ll always love you
(OOH, I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.)

Anyway, anyway, anyway.

Not only was the girl out seeing other dudes, but she was cheating on the guy with them. This isn’t a “I thought we were exclusive but I was wrong” scenario, this is a full out “she’s fucking everyone but me” problem. Not as uplifting as portrayed now, is it?

The fact that the guy still loves the chick even though she is getting more dick than a poor girl in Tijuana performing a dog and pony show betrays the usual instance of film playing the song as a guy deciding to forgive a girl for dating someone else. “Dating” meaning just that: going on dates, not sex, because somehow most movie’s morals haven’t updated since the 1950s.

Baby Come Back by The Equals

Most people these days probably recognize this song from those stupid mop and broom commercials. Here is a sample of the chorus just in case you don’t recognize the song from the title:

You know the song, right? Again this is another song used just like Kind of a Drag wherein a man is pondering how to win back the woman of his affections. Unlike Kind of a Drag this time it was the guy fucking everything in sight, and he is kind of a dick about it too:

Can’t understand it with the accent going on there? Don’t worry, you know I have the lyrics.

There ain’t no use in you crying
‘Cause I’m more hurt than you
I shoulda not been out flirting
But now my love is true
Ooh (all right)
Ooh (OK!)
Ooh, yeah

The guy is asking the chick to come back to him. He is also telling her to stop her crying because it hurts him more than her that she left, because you know how hard it is to get a good woman to put up with your shit? He now also knows he shouldn’t have been out there fucking around on her. But first, stop your crying woman!

Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations

Notice a trend here, reader? Most of these songs are considered oldies and are of the “guy/girl having issues with their other” genre. If you must know why it is because these are the easiest to manipulate for a movie.

This song has been in a lot of movies. It has a life cycle of about a decade. For the middle five years of a decade this song will be in just about every romantic comedy there is then disappear until the next decade begins, except in the 90′s when it was required to be in EVERY SINGLE MOVIE MADE.

The song is quite catchy.

As stated we have the penis/vagina issues going on. The penis wants to be in the vagina, but the penis finds out that a whole metric ton of other penis is in the vagina already, even though the vagina has told the penis it was the only hotdog in the hallway. The vagina also keeps making promises, like that the penis can visit the anus sometime, but never keeps them.

The telling lyric:

To you I’m a toy, but I could be the boy you adore
If you’d just let me know (Bah-dah-dah)
Although you’re untrue, I’m attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so?

In reality we have a cuckold situation going on here; the penis is actually turned on the by the denial of entry into the vagina as well as the metric ton of other penis already being in the vagina. That end scene in There’s Something About Mary just took on a whole new level of weird, didn’t it?

Spirit In The Sky by Norman Greenbaum

I wish I could find the first person to use this song in a sports movie so I could punt their balls into their eye sockets.

If you are not familiar with the name of the song here is the part you will instantly recognize:

Recognize it now? It’s from that one football movie right? You know, THAT one.

Actually, why don’t you try “just about all of them along with other sports movies too” as your answer. This song has become the de-facto “training montage” theme song for sports movies, and when not used in that context it is the “we need to get our spirits up” montage theme song. The rare occurrence is the “comeback montage” theme, which usually includes a bit of the “get our spirits up” montage thrown in for good measure.

Rarely ever is this song played with the lyrics though. This is one of those heavily edited songs used for a movie to include just the music itself. It is a rare movie that will include any of the lyrics and if they do it is usually only the first refrain. Even then it is only the first four lines:

When I die and they lay me to rest
Gonna go to the place that’s the best
When I lay me down to die
Goin’ up to the spirit in the sky

The last line is usually the fade out point, making it hard for people to understand what is being said. During the fadeout the actors will start talking again REALLY LOUDLY so that the lyric gets drowned.

This song is different than the others on this list mainly because it has nothing to do with people cheating on each other or homosexuals in prisons. This song is completely and utterly about Jesus.

Prepare yourself you know it’s a must
Gotta have a friend in Jesus
So you know that when you die
He’s gonna recommend you
To the spirit in the sky
Gonna recommend you
To the spirit in the sky
That’s where you’re gonna go when you die
When you die and they lay you to rest
You’re gonna go to the place that’s the best

The number one song for sports movies to use when training or getting their spirits up is about getting right with Jesus so that when you die you get to go to heaven. HOW IS THIS RELEVANT TO THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE?

When reporters ask players who they thank they always thank “God” (even though I doubt even “God” can stand those vuvuzelas about now) but within the context of the films this song is used it doesn’t fit. Chances are you’re not going to die when you go out to grind your rival’s nuts into paste on the field. With the amount of times that players thank “Jesus” or “God” after each win I am pretty sure most of them have accepted him. The song is used for the bass and guitar, and that is the only reason.

To prove how inane this song is and the overuse of it in movies, play this song over any sort of sports montage. Hell, play it over any sort of action montage period where a person goes from “shit” to “master” in the span of 1:30. I have done some of the work for you. (WARNING: quick and dirty audio editing below.)

But I’m A Cheerleader is a film about a young lady who is a cheerleader sent to a “straight camp” to stop her from being a lesbian.

Conan The Barbarian is about…you know what? If you don’t who Conan is you need to get out more.

A bit scary, isn’t it?

Parting Thoughts

With the advent of better technology every day it is getting to the point that no one knows what is real anymore. Not much of a problem in movies as they are a form of escapism. They are meant to take us places we can never go, to make us feel like if we were in that situation we would do those things. I am not begrudging the use of these songs in a movie by any means (except Spirit In The Sky as that songs needs to die) but I would like to see the context of the songs used correctly. With the aforementioned Stuck In The Middle With You it was different as the song was used to illustrate and enhance a portion of the movie. It wasn’t misconstrued or edited to make it fit the movie or the tone of the scene being shown.

If you have songs you think belong to this group let me know in the comments. I would love to read it.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I have RSS feeds setup so that I get notified of new posts in the creative and computer gigs areas of Craigslist for the Twin Cities and Oregon (where I lived previously to the Twin Cities). When you are self-employed it benefits yourself to do this for not just Craigslist but other sites as well so you can pick up that one gig that will pay that one bill that you just need to get out of the way.

Yet as of the past year or so (and much more as of late) there is a disturbing trend in these postings. More and more a person is running into the dreaded “expand your portfolio” method of payment.

For those not in the know; “expanding your portfolio” is akin to an unpaid internship, except you are doing the work you usually get paid damned good money to do for the right of the person you are doing the work for to claim as their own instead of knowingly doing it for free so that you may break into an industry.

The Labor Department just this year stated that most unpaid internships are illegal, which means that more job posters are resorting to the “expand your portfolio” method of payment.

An example of the listing I am talking about:

(this may disappear)

I am looking for a website designer who would help me build my website. Looking for someone whom wants to add to their portfolio or design service credits.

So if you’d like, message me….

• Location: Hopkins
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  Compensation: no pay

That is a very basic example, and the person who posted that listing got right to the point: “I want someone to do something for me for absolutely no pay, I want it to benefit me so that I make money, and all you get is to add a link in the footer or a blip in your portfolio.”

What you will generally see is more akin to the following:

We have this great idea that we need someone to help come to fruition! We need a website, hosting, domain name, email addresses, business cards, door hangers, logo, cd/dvd cover, video editing, video post production and more!

We don’t have any money to pay you because we used it all to get everything going, so we are looking for a college student or someone who wants to add to their portfolio. This is a great portfolio project and could lead to greater gigs for you.

If you can’t read between the lines, here is what that type of ad says:

1. We don’t have any money at all, as we spent our last $55 filing the DBA paperwork.
2. We need all of this stuff because somebody told us we need it, but we have no idea how to do it ourselves.
3. We want some struggling person to come in and give us everything we need to get our business going so that we can make money.
4. We are offering you the chance to work yourself to death, meeting our deadlines, creating to our satisfaction, and you get to add it all to your portfolio because that is going to make you rich.

These people are parasites. They are not only switching from the usage of the term intern but they are still preying upon people who need the work. They read these articles in the local paper, on some “BE RICH LIKE ME” website, or see something on their non-tech knowledgeable news station and think, “hey, I can do that!”.

In the meantime those of us who actually know what we are doing are getting pushed out of our own market by the people who accept these offers thinking this is the way to get into the market.  We then have to cut our prices to become “competitive” with people who aren’t charging a dime.

I build websites. I edit video and do video post production work. I convert from old media to new media. When I have time I write (which I never seem to have time for anymore) articles for various publications and try to finish these novels I have been working on since I was 16 (I am a bit of a perfectionist). Yet, when you come here you see a site that isn’t the greatest, you read copy that isn’t up to snuff, you see things that are sub-par. Why? It is the cobbler’s son conundrum;  I don’t have time to put shoes on my own child’s feet, I need to keep the shoes on the feet of the people who pay the bills.

And right now? There aren’t enough feet for the shoes I have built, yet I am putting out more shoes then ever. I have more projects right now than I can properly handle and yet I am only pulling in enough money to keep one project afloat.

I do attribute this to the emergence of the “expand your portfolio” gig listings on Craigslist and elsewhere; not only are the good paying gigs going elsewhere but people who would normally pay standard fare for my work are moving in this direction. They think they are getting some great deal, yet in the end it comes to me to fix it. Problem is in the end I have to cut my fee even more because it isn’t new, it is a fix of someone else’s work. So since I am not building something from scratch I get paid less.

Yes, most of this post is rambling nonsense and I realize that. The point I am trying to make is that “expanding your portfolio” is a bunch of bullshit and it needs to stop. If you want quality work you are going to have to pay for it. You are not going to get it for free, you are not going to get it because someone wants to expand their portfolio because guess what? The people who do good work already have a portfolio. I am not saying I am the greatest web designer in the world because evidence is to the contrary and in abundance. However I have been building my portfolio for over 15 years and am still building it to this day. The projects I am working on now will get added to the portfolio and I will be paid for them. I didn’t give anything away just so that I can claim I built it.

So if you are a builder, a consultant, anyone who works in the creative area of the world, do yourself and all of us a favor: DON’T TAKE PEOPLE UP ON THIS. Your work is worth more than nothing, worth more than a tiny link at the bottom of a page, worth more than a mention in a bibliography.

It is worth what you put into it. If you put everything you have in it, than you should be compensated properly. If you just jerked off and threw it up on the screen, then you can pay your bills in used kleenex.

Ever wonder how to make someone's head explode like Scanners? Just say that word one time

This saga begins, much like Star Wars, a long long time ago but not really that far away. There was a man and a woman, they fell in love, got married and moved into a house. The house was falling apart because the landlord wasn’t exactly what you would call “on top of things”, so we had Comcast come out and put in all new wires and wall outlets so we could enjoy internet, telephone and HD television.

Before we get into this I want to state a fact: none of MY equipment is faulty. I know people say that but I am a geek and a tech myself and I know how to troubleshoot and fix issues. My television, telephones, and computers (including all routers and such) are all performing at top condition they can. As well, this is going to be a long post as a lot has happened to create it.

Things seemed to be fine until winter hit. Suddenly all quality was lost in picture, sound, and speeds of the internet. Myself, Spider, being a former cable tech, decided to check out what I could without stomping on Comcast’s territory. Nothing came of it as there was nothing I could do. I did, however, find out that all infrastructure in the Twin Cities is above ground.

For those who don’t know (and have never looked at a weather map of the Northern MidWest during winter) it gets cold up here. We have snow and lots of it. We have ice and frozen ground. This creates a “Good” and a “Bad” about above ground infrastructure.

The “Good” being that even during those harsh winter months Comcast is able to fix pressing issues, they are able to get to their infrastructure as needed. The “Bad” being that the snow, rain, winds, and other crap knocks out service left and right. We were getting horrid internet speeds (to the point of having to reset the modem on a daily basis), bad picture quality on the television (pixels, frozen images, sound dropouts, suddenly not being able to watch channels we were paying for) and poor voice quality on the phone. We left it be for the winter as we figured, somewhat rightly, that it was the weather wreaking havoc.

As summer came around we noticed those issues weren’t going away. (We also noticed that a lot of channels we were paying for had HD equivalents we weren’t getting, such as BBC America, Comedy Central and more. Other carriers had these but not Comcast Twin Cities.) We noticed that they were getting worse. Each time I called to have the technicians check their infrastructure they would say “nothing wrong on our end, must be you”. This went on for a few weeks until I finally had enough.

I called the local Comcast center and ended up being connected to Theresa (no idea if that is the correct spelling) as well as a higher tech. I laid out the issues we had been having for an extended period of time and stated, matter of fact, that there was something wrong with their infrastructure in this neighborhood and that they need to fix it. (These two gals were, and continue to be, the best Comcast reps I have ever dealt with.)

The gals sent out a senior technician to check my equipment, the infrastructure leading to the house, and the infrastructure in the neighborhood. Guess what? A bunch of infrastructure was broken; the same infrastructure that the original technicians had said was “a-okay”.

The issues cleared up some but never completely as we still had to reset the modem every week, and the sound on the TV would still cut out now and again. At least the phone worked properly afterwards.

Flash forward to the beginning of March of this year (this makes it a total of two years dealing with these issues so far) and we are moving. We are moving to a new, better place with better infrastructure for Comcast as well as better infrastructure inside the building itself. We are optimistic that our issues with Comcast will be resolved by this move, yet we learn to never use the word “optimistic” in a sentence with the word “Comcast”.

We call Comcast to setup transfer of service to our new residence. It is going along fine until the painful part hits; it seems Comcast is upgrading their lower end Analog channels to be Digital channels to open up bandwidth. In reality this is a great move that will benefit both customers and the company in the long run as Comcast is taking a load off of their infrastructure and will be able to use that extra bandwidth to provide faster internet and more HD channels (BBC America and Comedy Central perhaps?).

The painful part of this is that Comcast requires any television without a cable box (those with the coax coming from the wall direct to the television) to have a special adapter dubbed the “Digital Transport Adapter”.

Yeah, that tiny little thing.

The rep we spoke to stated that we could either have the technician install the adapter for us at a charge of $30 or have Comcast mail them to us in about six weeks. Neither was appetizing, especially when Comcast says they are free and hooking them up is no harder than a VCR, but we opted for the mailing to us because we didn’t want another charge.

During our tour of our new residence we noticed that whomever had installed cable there before did a piss poor job. They put in one outlet, attached two splitters, and strung out sub-par coaxial cable to the three rooms. Splitters suck, even the ones that Comcast uses (although they will tell you they are top notch they are cheap, lose signal quality and die quickly), and make a mess of wires for your home.

We requested that two additional outlets be installed and that a line direct from the box be put to those two outlets for the extra two rooms. We had no problem with the cost of this procedure as we wanted as direct a connection as possible for the HDTV, the internet, and the SD TV in the bedroom. This not only brings in quality signal to each room but allows easier troubleshooting if one service isn’t performing as it should by allowing elimination of lines. We set up an install date (someday between March 28th and April 1st) then proceeded to move.

When it came to the install date we literally had nothing unpacked but the HDTV and a computer. Two technicians (later learned to be contractors) came to install the service. From the get go one could tell this would end badly as there were no extra outlets installed, they just replaced the coax that was there with the same sub-par kind as before, then called it done and left. Cheap, shoddy, and poor all around.

Shortly after this I had a myriad of doctor’s appointments and a septoplasty so we weren’t exactly right on the ball calling to complain, but had set in our minds to do so. Our hands were forced quite a bit as shortly into the month of April internet speeds starting slowing down again, accompanied by service completely dropping out. The pixels, freezing, and audio drop outs were happening on the television again and voice quality on the phone was piss poor. As well, it had been past six weeks and we had not received our Digital Transport Adapter in the mail.

Speed Test 1

Speed Test 2

The above speeds are on a 16Mbps tier of service. I am not asking for 100Gb/s here, but this is sub-par even for the lowest of tiers Comcast offers.

I call Comcast and get an appointment set for May 12th (with an actual Comcast technician, I was adamant about that) and that day came. The technician looked everything over and found, to no one’s surprise and especially not mine, that the splitter was bad. The exact thing I was trying to avoid in the first place had occurred, validating and angering me at the same time.

Once again I am on the phone to Comcast talking to a representative. I tell her all of the above (in a condensed version) and she immediately informs me of the following:

1. The original rep was wrong. There was no $30 charge and no six week mailing wait for the Digital Transport Adapter. One was never sent out to us either, so she sent a new one that would take five days.

2. The charges are removed. The $30 charge was for the outlet installs, not the Digital Transport Adapter installs. The rep was trying to charge us twice for the same product. She proceeded to remove the whole installation charge from our account for this debacle after I asked her nicely.

3. A new, actual Comcast technician would be out. Instead of a contractor an actual Comcast technician would be out to fix the issue(s), just like I prefer.

That appointment was set for yesterday, May 23rd between 2pm and 4pm. We cleared some stuff out of the way as we still are not completely unpacked and waited. Waited. Waited. Waited. See a pattern emerging here? That’s because the technician never showed up and never called.

Just about an hour ago I called Comcast again. I got a rep that asked me questions I have never been asked before such as security codes, special numbers and whatnot. Even though I failed to answer any of these I was let through and talked about the account. (Account Security – Only as good as a flustered phone rep!) This is what was learned:

1. Five days is not five days. That Digital Transport Adapter that has only been seen by myself in an online video? It still hasn’t arrived, and it also seems to be the Missing Link in the evolutionary chain as evidenced by….

2. Appointment was canceled. According to the rep I spoke to the appointment was canceled by Comcast’s internal systems, with no notification to us, because of that Digital Transport Adapter. The reasoning was unclear as the rep muddled her voice through the explanation (twice) but somehow that Missing Link swatted a butterfly in 400 B.C. causing a ripple effect that prevents me from ever getting it. Supposedly when #3 happens it will be brought to me….

3. A new appointment! Yes, another one and the third one this month. This time it was set for June 5th because that was the earliest they could get someone out. A bit of light at the end of that tunnel is that the technicians called shortly after my hanging up and switched the appointment to May 27th (this coming Thursday).

4. Customer guarantee is crap. Comcast is making a big deal out of their new “Customer Guarantee” with print ads, television ads, and more. The problem is that when you mention it the rep quickly changes the subject to something else so they don’t have to give you that $20 credit.

Customer Guarantee from Comcast's Website - As good as the paper it is printed on

We are now approaching three years of service with Comcast at these two residences and we still have not had a month without some issue. We understand that not everything is going to be perfect all the time and that issues arise now and again, but let us recap (quickly) the issues in these past three years…

1. Poor service. Poor performance across the board on all services that we have been paying approximately $140 a month for.
2. Poor technicians. Not just the contractors but those at Comcast who couldn’t figure out their own infrastructure issues and a customer had to do it for them.
3. Poor delivery. At this point I don’t think even Indiana Jones could get that Digital Transport Adapter to me if he handed it off to Marty McFly in 1956 and brought it back in time. At this point in time there still are not outlets I had initially paid for (hopefully fixed on Thursday) almost two months and three appointments ago.
4. Poor customer satisfaction. Throughout the whole time we have had service at these residences we have paid in excess of $4200.00 in monthly fees (this is not counting installation fees, upgrade fees, lost time & productivity, etc) and what have we gotten? All of the above, $60 removed from our account (that wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t brought it up) and the subject changed when the “Customer Guarantee” is brought up.

I work from home and when I lose internet either completely or with speeds as shown above I lose productivity. I have a lot of clients who are thinking of going elsewhere because of the perceived “laziness” of my work timetable. There is only so many times a person can hear “the internet crapped out on me” before they believe it to be an excuse. I shouldn’t have to upgrade to the business class internet when what I do does not require that class of internet. The residential customer class is just fine when it works right.

I am not one of those people who asks for anything free or demands compensation. I just want a service I pay for to work right 99% of the time. Poor service, poor customer satisfaction, poor everything should be the exception and not the norm.

Comcast's "Norm"

Yet with all the money being put out and lost at the same time I would like to make Comcast a deal: you folks come out and fix the issues, deliver the equipment that is supposed to be delivered, and I don’t have to call you for a problem for three months and we will call it even as it stands right now. If I have to call for an issue within those three months then I want something. I don’t care if it is faster internet free for six months, HBO free for six months, or what as long as it shows you actually do care about one customer who has gotten absolutely nothing but migraines from your service. Migraines that could have been prevented easily by service reps, technicians, and corporate themselves.

Three years is a long time to continually screw up. It takes a special kind of talent to be able to do that for so long and only give scripted apologies. Put your “Customer Guarantee” on the line and make it come true. I would say put your reputation on the line but you have already lived up to that.

We no longer need to leave our house. Hell, just look at your email and you can get the following with just a few clicks of a mouse, personal information, completing special offers, or cashing a check and sending back the lower amount.

1. A bigger penis. Yes, men, the plague of all time is fixed. You can get Viagra, Cialis, pumps, bumps, and even implants through the mail. All discreet, no one will know. You will not believe how much she will enjoy it more.

2. Ladies, your breasts can now be mistaken for water buoys. You will be the hit of the airplane crashing into open water as your breasts inflate to the size of beachballs at a Grateful Dead concert by rubbing special lotion on them (and us men can watch on webcam, now, all legal!), taking pills, or even just by testing and keeping implants!

3. We can get food delivered. Amazon is shipping food and if you sign up for their Prime service you are guaranteed to get it just before the expiration date.

4. Want an HDTV? Wii? PS3? iPod? iPhone? Any hot product? Just complete a few of these special offers that end up costing you more than going to the store to buy the product and you will be 120th on the list to get the product as soon as it becomes available.

5. You can buy and sell anything online. It is a virtual garage sale. You can finally get rid of that tacky green shag carpet couch handed down since your grandfather went through his “experimental” phase in the late 60s. You can also sell your soul, burnt toast with the graven image of a dead person from over 2000 years ago, and even get $500 for a Cheeto in the shape of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

6. Have a weird fetish that you just can’t find any porn of in the sticky floored local shop? Not a problem. Rule 34 of the internet will make you happy: “If it exists, there is porn of it.” Bugs Bunny being gangbanged by the cast of Three’s Company? You got it. Minnie Mouse taking on the cast of Fraggle Rock? Pssh, that is so last week. The Internet moves faster than that. The Internet makes porn faster than a quickie with The Flash.

7. Need human interaction? There are more sites just for telling people how great, wonderful, and right you are. You get to call them names such as “doody head”, “anusburger”, and “poopydoodoobuttfart” without worrying about them hitting you. You are always right too. You are THE person of the internet after all. Oh, and you have a second cousin who saw it happen, no lie.

8. “But what about the things we need in case of disaster?” you ask. The internet has you covered. Auto insurance, health insurance, and trips to that double door van in Ecquador are all just a jaunt down the virtual hallways of the internet. You can get free healthcare (after taking out a loan), airfare (after helping a few illegals come over the border), and so much more.

9. You can win the lottery in 135 different countries at once because YOU have been randomly selected in an email lottery you never entered.

10. Want movies or music? All at your fingertips. You can download to your heart is content the content you wish to have. Who needs to pay for it? Why help stimulate the economy? Those big corporations are so last century. Stick it to the man while you inhale your Doritos, slurp on your Peruvian double mocha latte with cinnamon swirl whipped topping and chocolate chip crunchies surrounding the rim of the double insulated foamed cup bearing a corporate branded logo on the hot pad to make sure you don’t burn yourself because you forgot you ordered a hot drink so you won’t sue them, all the while asking your mother to not touch your Star Wars “action figures” because they are in battle scenes from the fifth book in the tenth series of unauthorized companion stories about how Princess Leia traveled to the planet of Er’Nak’Tek to save the race of Ibmipri animals from becoming extinct because the Jawas like having sex with them (see Rule 34 in about one week, this will be there soon!).

Who needs to go outside? Who needs to travel places to do things? The internet has given us so much freedom we can’t imagine living without it. Why experience the “real world” when you can travel the world from the comfort of your undies in your living room, shades up for a little sunlight and your neighbors seeing the parts of you you haven’t seen in five years?

Thank goodness for the internet. What a wonderful invention.

*The above is a piece of satire. While some of this is true and many people do behave or do these things on the internet, I do enjoy the internet and use it as a tool and to keep in communication with people across the world. I just wish people would read a fucking book or spend more time interacting with other humans in the real world.

You know about the Westboro Baptist Church (heretofore referred to as WBC), right Dear Reader? Just in case you haven’t heard about this group of folks, allow a slight history lesson before the point of this post.

According to Wikipedia the church was started in 1955 by Pastor Fred Phelps in the state of Kansas, city of Topeka. Their purpose, as stated by Shirley Phelps-Roper, one of Fred Phelps’ daughters in the documentary The Most Hated Family In America:

“You think our job is to win souls to Christ. All we do, by getting in their face and putting these signs in front of them and these plain words, is make what’s already in their heart come out of their mouth.”

Their purpose according to the rest of the world? Spreading hate in the guise of gospel. The rest of the world has a compelling case if photos of their pickets and interviews with members are to be taken into consideration.

Fred Phelps, his wife, and one of his daughters

More members of the church protesting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UMP3AK5jwo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3PyoUPcobA

With the help of Megan Phelps-Roper, daughter of Shirley Phelps-Roper, they have even gone into the Web 2.0 sphere on Twitter and Facebook (page has been pulled) to spread their message. The ACLU has defended them and they have a case pending in the Supreme Court of the United States to decide whether their tactics are protected by the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.

Note: I have conversed with Megan Phelps-Roper over Twitter. She is a well educated, intelligent individual who truly believes in her ideology. I have not conversed with her mother, Shirley, but if the interviews above (and in other areas of discourse) are any indication than Megan has a few steps on her mother in the conversational as Megan is not nearly as confrontational and seems to enjoy point-counterpoint.

The Problem

The debate about whether their message is constitutional or not is for the courts to decide, not myself or those reading this post. Personally I feel that as long as you are not shouting “FIRE!” in a crowded theatre you are fine even if others do not like the speech you are spouting. An argument can be made (and I have made it with Megan) that the WBC is, indeed, shouting “FIRE!” in a crowded theatre and trying to incite a riot.

The point of this post is to change one little thing about how the WBC is portrayed in the media.

The criteria to be called a special interest group of any kind consists of these rules I just pulled out of my arse:

1. You have more than five members
2. You have monthly meetings at the least
3. You send out press releases, even if it is just to your members
4. You have a website (this is needed these days)
5. You have a clear message that you are trying to get out to the populace at large
6. Your members are united in that message (take the hint, Tea Party!)

How does the WBC score in this criteria? A staggering 6 out of 6. This means they are, indeed, a special interest group.

Their message is that God hates us all because we have allowed homosexuality into our lives, whether we practice it or not, and that the USA is doomed because of it. Despite their protestations otherwise they have much in common with other groups who meet the criteria set forth above:

1. The Catholic Church
2. The Christian Faith (and various offshoots)
3. The GOP/Conservatives/Tea Party

Michele Bachmann (R-MN, Tea Party Supporter and Lutheran) hiding in the bushes at a Gay Pride Parade/Rally

Michele Bachmann (R-MN, Tea Party Supporter and Lutheran) hiding in the bushes at a Gay Pride Parade/Rally

Yet the media has not portrayed them fairly. At least, not in what they call the group or their message. The media enjoys calling the WBC an “Anti-Gay Group” or a “Hate Speech Group”. This is disingenuous and doesn’t accurately portray the group as what they are.

The Solution

I am making a call to the media to name the WBC what they are, which is what they profess themselves to be: a “Pro-God Group”, a “Love Speech Group”. Their views fit within the same narrow tunnel of vision as that of the Catholic Church and Christian based religions, they are in line with most of the GOP/Conservative/Tea Party groups in their outright disdain for anything homosexual and enjoy blaming events of the world on the “homosexual agenda”. Even Jerry Falwell (Baptist) and Pat Robertson (Christian) stated that 9/11 was brought on by the homosexuals, which is the same message that the WBC brought to the streets:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-CAcdta_8I

See the connection there?

Yet when Falwell, Robertson, Bachmann, Beck, Coulter, Palin, Limbaugh, The Pope, or any other religious figure is/was interviewed or discussed in the mainstream media they are/were lauded as being those of faith. Those whose opinions we should revere and agree with, or if we disagree we should just let bygones be bygones. They are called great Americans, that it is their right (and that they are right) to say what they say against the homosexuals because they have chosen a religion and by God and Country they have a right to spout that speech.

The difference? The WBC doesn’t use political correctness to hide the exact same message. The times the above named and their cohorts have shed the “PC Coat of Arms” and said directly what they felt they were forgiven by the mainstream media and given a podium to discuss their ill-conceived hatreds.

Do I agree with the WBC? No, I do not. Homosexuality has been around far longer than any religion that is based on Jesus and/or a Christian/Catholic God has existed in the minds of men, yet the world keeps turning.

Do I agree with their right to say what they wish? Despite my feelings that they are, indeed, screaming “FIRE!” in a crowded theatre I believe that in the proper venue they can say what they wish.

I do strongly believe that they should be called what they are in the mainstream media; a Pro-God, Love Speech Group. After all, they are just trying to bring the word of their God to the masses. They are just trying to show that they love us and want us to be saved just like any good Christian religion or religious person does each and every day.

The wife and I go to the doctor on the same day at the same place. She goes in first, I go in second. She is diagnosed with a virus and let’s me know. I am diagnosed with the same one during my appointment. I also went in for a Tetanus shot update.

She gets a prescription, I do not. I also don’t get my Tetanus shot. We both still have to pay.

We have to pay the health insurance, we have to pay the co-pay, I have to pay for another visit to get the shot I didn’t get in the first place, and still deal with the virus itself which will probably be gone by the time I get back to the doctor.

They just made triple money on one virus and one shot. Healthcare doesn’t need fixing, GOP? Then you pay our premiums, our co-pays, and our prescriptions. You argue with the insurance policy holder that I did not, in fact, get the shot I am being billed for and that yes I need a second shot to be covered by the policy. You can argue with them that as I did not get the medical care I was promised and paid for that I should not have to have that last visit taken out of my deductible, that I should get my co-pay back, and that the doctor’s office should eat that visit.

Healthcare isn’t like any other industry; if you don’t get the proper service or product from a doctor it can be the difference between life and death, not the difference between a widescreen DVD or a Full Screen one. Not the difference between strawberry ice cream and raspberry ice cream.

My situation isn’t life threatening by any means as it is a simple virus of the throat that is more irritating then anything. Yet, as with other times in my medically infiltrated life, the lack of care is the concern. How many people have to double or triple pay to get better when it could have and should have been taken care of the first time? Our bodies and our organs are not something we can just take back to the store and exchange for the right one. If something goes wrong with our bodies and our organs we are going to have to spend even more money to get it fixed.

THIS, right here, is one of the many reasons that healthcare sucks in the USA and why it needs to be fixed. (I have about $1.5 million more reasons but that is for another time.) People are in debt, people are ruined, people are literally falling apart because the insurance industry wants to make their buck even when the doctor makes a mistake, but when the doctor makes a mistake the patient pays for it three times:

1. They pay for the first visit.

2. They pay for the second visit.

3. They pay with their health, and sometimes, with their lives.

I usually don’t talk about politics, even with people I know, because it usually leads to really bad things. My views on many things are so far out there that even the worst dictator in the world would say, “Dude, chill.” Yet, I urge anyone reading this to call their Senator, their congressperson, their local representative. Write them, email them, show up on the steps of their office.

Let them know that healthcare needs to be fixed and it needs to be fixed now….because the way things are going you might not have the chance to do it come tomorrow.

As stated in the Blu-ray sucks posting before this one, I am an early adopter. I purchased a PS3 a bit early (not as early as some) and spent a lot of money on the unit. I have enjoyed my PS3 immensely. The majority of the new generation of games purchased in this household are for the PS3, even though we have a Wii, Xbox360, and Nintendo DS.

Back in December you read about the problems I had getting the service box for my dead drive PS3 from UPS. It took some doing but I finally got my PS3 sent into Sony and repaired. It came back and everything seemed to be fine. The PS3 had worked better then ever and we were enjoying movies and games like mad.

Are you ready for the sequel?

Designer #1: "We'll use solder that heats too fast and breaks the system!" Designer #2: "Brilliant!"

As anyone who is into games will know that image above signifies that my PS3 has become a victim of the dreaded Yellow Light of Death (YLoD). The YLoD is akin to the RRoD (Red Ring of Death) on an Xbox360. Hell it even comes from the same exact problem: Sony and Microsoft allowing their consoles to heat up too much, using inferior solder on the logic boards, and resulting in the solder literally melting away and preventing specific circuits from completing. The machine then shuts down and does not allow itself to be turned on again due to it knowing further damage will occur.

Microsoft, to their credit, extended warranties on their console and repaired without charging customers. This was in no small part due to not only the gaming press but the mainstream media pouncing on anything Microsoft might do wrong and spreading the word worse than Lindsay Lohan spreading disease in a public bathroom tryst. Sony, on the other hand, doesn’t get much bad press as their name rightly implies standards and quality assurance. (Microsoft is everyone’s punching bag.)

Yet now, for the second time in a year and under 1.5 months from receiving my previously repaired PS3 back from Sony, I have to send it in again. Yes, this is the same physical console as the original purchased one.

The problem I have (outside of this having happened) is that I have had the PS3 for quite awhile now, I have had some marathon gaming sessions that would put a lot of the pros to shame, but the YLoD decides to show up after the PS3 was repaired.

When I originally had to send the PS3 in for service two things needed to be done: replacement of the Blu-ray drive and a cleaning. Sony is well aware that the PS3 Phat is a vacuum that sucks dust like you wouldn’t believe. (There was even an incident where Sony denied an owner warranty repair due to the amount of dust in that owner’s PS3, he eventually got it repaired under warranty after Sony relented.) If during the course of this cleaning Sony’s techs did not check to make sure that the solder issue, which contrary to popular opinion happens more often then not, was not occurring on this particular console then fault lies with Sony.

The long, drawn out point I am trying to make is that I find it hard to believe that a console that was repaired not more than 1.5 months ago is failing due to something that takes time. A lot more time then what has passed since receiving the repaired console.

It is averaging lower than 30ºF outside and the house never gets above 68ºF because heat here is expensive. From the owner’s manual for the PS3 supplied by Sony the operating temperature is 41ºF to 95ºF, which is well within the parameters of what the house it at. We control humidity here too, otherwise bloody noses happen way too often. I could understand if it had happened the first time, but not after having been repaired. I truly believe that the tech at Sony did not do their job properly as a cursory check of an item like this would seem to be normal operating procedure when doing a cleaning.

The YLoD had to be something that was coming for awhile, yet Sony missed it. Now I get to ponder whether I will have yet another UPS/Carrier Lost issue since most of the country is still going through snow storm hell, including here where our snow has turned into solid fields of ice.